And So?
by Tanny-san
Summary: -Under revision- Soriku. In which discussions are had, things are revealed, two people are in love, and, well, they're both oblivious. NonAU
1. Riku

Blue. There are so many different shades of blue. Just watch the sea and sky meet; you'd say they're both blue, neither one is truly _blue_.

You could really almost call the sea green and the sky grey -- if it weren't for the blue.

I'm thinking of colors, feeling the breeze of home, standing on the island that I once truly desired to leave behind. I'd only wanted to take those things truly precious to me; Sora and Kairi.

So things have changed. I've changed. I've been through the darkness, blah, blah... Sora would tell me to quit brooding and just enjoy the fact that I'm back. Little twit. Always so forgiving.

But despite the change, here I am, back in the... well, I guess the normal. I'm a few grades behind - after all, I did spend a few years betraying people, repenting, battling, and all that fantastic stuff. And sometimes, when I zone out looking at a text book, I can't help but think to myself,

_'Weird. This is so strange. After everything, I still have to learn how to integrate a function.'_

It makes me chuckle, but it makes me sad. Kingdom Hearts is irreversible, and I'm absolutely struggling with the change.

And between the growing up (inside and out... I'm a good head taller than Sora. Ha. I win.) and introspection, I found that I had a mild to major problem.

Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with him.

_Sora._

There wasn't any cheesy moment where I longed to see his cerulean pools shining with the depths of love with the sparkles of fantasy fairy land or any such crap. It was probably the fact that I became obsessed with him after I thought he abandoned me.

Actually it was way before that, but I was oblivious and probably confused. I was jealous of Sora, and of Sora and Kairi's relationship, but being fifteen, arrogant, and emotionally retarded, I didn't exactly realize what was going on.

But when the door to Kingdom Hearts shut on me, I knew. I knew I'd fallen in love somewhere between the dark obsession and the desperation to repent.

I also knew I was pretty much screwed. So I told him.

_"Take care of her."_

He already knew to do that; we'd spent the better part of a year fighting for her heartless body... And get this, after years of winning everything, I lost her, lost her to him.

But really, it was and is pretty much the other way around... I lost him to her.

I shake my head roughly. What am I doing here, moping like a love sick twelve year old. Next I'll be writing angsty poetry in a journal labelled: PRIVATE DO NOT OPEN RIKU'S JOURNAL! Pft.

Well, so it doesn't say that and I don't write poetry, but I do have one. A journal, I mean. And so what if I do keep a journal? Gotta stay sane somehow. Sometimes the memories can get to be too much, and who really wants Sora poking you constantly, prodding about what's wrong, jumping you at random times and yelling "Oh no, attack of the Moping Riku!" in your ear at least four times a day.

Not that I would mind him jumping me.

Hey. A guy can dream.

Oh, and that was a weird experience, let me tell you. Figuring out I was pretty much as straight as an exponential function. (Shut up, I have a math test tomorrow. It's a good analogy!)

So there I was, lost in the darkness, thinking of Sora pretty much the entire time... And I start having these little dreams. They started out just being of us on the island, the way things used to be, but then things took a turn for the slightly more sensual.

A classic example: we'd be wrestling over something stupid one minute... And the next we'd be in a warped version of my room making out and doing things. And then came the actual sex dream.

I have to say I was a bit weirded out by having dream-sex with my best friend. _Male_ friend, that is. And at first I was a little disturbed by my "Sora Dreams," but then I just had to face the music.

Hi, my name is Riku, and I'm very much gay. Also, I'm in love with my straight best friend, who is in love with my other best friend, who is female.

Sometimes I think it would be hilarious if Kairi were in love with me. You know, just to complete the circle. Heh.

Speaking of Kairi, I think she's starting to sniff around my emotional wall a bit. She's not as emotionally... undeveloped as Sora, and she probably has sensed the tension that comes up between us.

"Hey Riku!"

GAH! Sneaky little lady.

I know what you're thinking, and no, I did not jump like a pansy when she all but yelled in my ear.

I gave her a soft smile, despite my slight irritation. It's still usually good to see her.

"Hey Kairi, what's up?"

She plops herself down at the base of the Paupu tree, stretching out and smiling up at me. And if I weren't sure this was Kairi, I'd say she was smiling like a fat cat smiles at someone with a bowl of cream.

"Nothing really... I just wanted to chat with you a bit. It's about Sora."

Oh. Well, crap. Probably anyway... I mean I don't know what she has to say yet. I feel my heart speed up despite myself. Stupid reactions.

"Really? What about him? Did he get himself caught by the belts on the big tree trying to jump from his window again?"

I smirked at the memory. Sora apparently thought he could still glide, and so when he saw Kairi and I coming down the road, well, he jumped out of his second story window. And somehow caught one of his twelve million belts on the branches of the tree in front of his house.

Idiot.

She laughs, shaking her head before saying,

"No, nothing like that. It's just... I've been noticing lately that you guys seem a little... I dunno, _weird_ around each other." She frowns. "It's almost like there's an elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about."

I sigh. That elephant she's referring to is the fact that sometimes I catch myself staring at Sora... And thinking... things, about him. (Can you blame me?) Then there's a good, long moment of me ignoring him while I try to shake off those thoughts...

I could probably tell her about my little issue, but I'm still pretty sure that she's in love with the ditz just as I am. So I give her a little nod.

"I know what you mean... but I think it's just both of us trying to readjust to being back, you know? I mean, it's a pretty major change." Liar.

She looks at me from the corners of her eyes, something she always does when she doubts what someone else is saying.

"True enough. But I feel like something has changed _between_ you guys. Like your relationship. And it seems like neither of you want to say anything..." A small pause. "Actually I think Sora is just clueless." She looks at me. "I think it's something up with you. Something you don't want to say."

Hm. I think it's safe to say it now: Crap.

"Kairi..."

"Before you jump to conclusions about anything, I just want you to know that you can talk to me. If you can't tell Sora, I know you're probably not going to tell me, but you can tell us anything, you know? I'm just worried about you. If you're being weird around Sora then that means you don't feel okay here, and that means that you might try to leave and then everything will all-"

She's gone wide-eyed and I've tuned out her ramblings because they will probably hurt my feelings. (Keh. _So_ not the expression I want to use, but give me a break, I have someone hysterical on my hands.)

"Kairi!" I'm kneeling down next to her, gently shaking her shoulders. She shakes her head a bit, teary eyed, and looks at me.

"I don't want to lose you both again. Wherever you go, he's going to follow you. Please don't leave!"

I pull her into a semi-awkward hug.

"I'll never leave you guys again. I swear it."

She pulls away slightly and wipes her eyes. I silently thank her for not snotting all over my new jacket. Don't get me wrong, I love the girl (sister), but still... It's new.

"I know. I'm sorry. I've just been thinking about this a lot lately."

I chuckle slightly.

"Obviously."

She smiles that lovely smile.

"And it's made me kind of upset. I want you to trust us, tell us when something is really bothering you... "

I sit down and face the ocean again, thinking about the pros and cons of actually letting Kairi know about all the shenanigans running through my head.

And damn, I thought I was doing a good job hiding my brooding Sora-related thoughts. Especially around him. But I guess not.

"Riku, please tell me what's going on."

She's not begging, and there isn't any nagging or pity in her voice. She's just worried.

I sigh, probably in a dramatic way, and look at my hands. Time to dive.

"Kairi... How do you tell your best friend that you're in love with them? Is it even okay to do that?"

I can feel her eyes on me. I don't say anything else, because I don't think I can breathe.

"Are you afraid that you and Sora won't be friends because of me?"

She doesn't get it. Well, I wasn't all that clear either, was I? Shut up.

"Not... not in the way that your thinking. And not that we won't be friends. Just.. never mind. It's complicated."

"You're not in love with me then, are you?"

Wow. What a question. One of those questions that makes you step back and absorb the fact that this is life and not some movie or something that someone else is living.

"No. I'm not."

"Then... I don't under... Wait! Are you... do you like... ?"

Her faces scrunches up in confusion and then realization and I look calmly back out to sea. Inside I feel like a chicken with it's head cut right the fuck off.

I can feel my face turning red. Did I mention I am not a fan of natural reactions?

"You are! You're in love with Sora! Wow. Oh my God. Oh my - wow. Shit."

At her swear I immediately raise my eyebrows and look at her. Since when does Kairi swear? Since never, that's when.

I figured I should probably say something. She is sitting there like she's been hit by a truck.

Worse, I'm instantly reminded of how she looked with no heart, with dead eyes... horrible. But then she says something.

"I mean, it's not so strange, is it?" she says. She looks at me, and our eyes meet. She continues, "After everything we've been through, I'd say it's practically normal."

We both chuckle, and I feel so ridiculously relieved now that someone else knows this. It's not weighing me down anymore, and I rather like that.

"Well I think you should tell him."

I was in the middle of standing up, and now I'm falling face-first to the ground.

"You're insane! _That_ is the _worst _ idea I've ever heard. No. No! Terrible. What would he say? How _awkward _would that be!"

I'm freaking out, and I know it. I don't remember the last time I freaked out openly. I never freak out. Why am I freaking out?

"...Sorry." I mutter, seating myself properly. "It's just, I don't think he'd understand. You know how he is."

"Riku, I think you're being stupid. I mean, Sora isn't the most perceptive guy, but I think he'd understand, and I don't think it would change anything between you guys."

I can tell she's trying to be comforting, trying to get it out in the open to make things right between all of us again. But...

"That's just it Kairi. Nothing will change between us. It never will. He's never going to love me back." I breathe deeply. Might as well keep spilling my guts now that I've started. "I don't even really understand how he's still my friend. After everything, I mean." I close my eyes, squeezing them hard once before I continue. "I hid in the darkness for so long... How could I possibly be forgiven? I let my jealousy consume me, and I forgot how much I loved him. Every time I think about it, it just makes me sick, makes me wonder if I'm still capable of that."

There is a small pause after I release my dark thoughts. In that, I realise how good it feels to let this out. I can feel her eyes on me again, but I can't bring myself to meet them.

"You gave yourself up for him, Riku. Look at what you became, all for him. You traded your body, for goodness sake!" she punctuates this by throwing her arms up in exasperation. I resist the urge to roll my eyes, opening my mouth to retort- "And don't try to say it was for both of us, because I was safe, and I know you were obsessed with seeing him safe too. So how could he not see that you care? And... Sora will always be there. For both of us. His heart is too big to let either of us go."

A smirk. "Sometimes I wonder if he's crazy. He'd have to be to still want to be friends with me."

"He'd have to be crazy to let you go."

"Kairi..."

"Listen, Riku. Just, listen to me." She takes a minute to gather her thoughts before she continued, "The three of us, we've always been inseparable. We're all connected, we... we just are. There is a strength between us that has always kept us together, no matter how far away we were..." She is looking at me harder now, her voice softening, "Or how hard we tried to hide."

I look at her, eyes thankfully hidden by my obscenely long hair. I don't know what I did to deserve people who care so much.

"I know what you're thinking, so stop it. I love you both so much, and it kills me to see you hurting like this because you can't forgive yourself. I hate that you force yourself to feel unworthy to be loved."

I can't look at her anymore. She's too honest, too innocent.

"You know, Riku, when you guys were gone, after I could remember Sora again I thought about how eventually we might not be a trio anymore. I made a picture in my head of an equilateral triangle slowly morphing as two of the corners became closer and closer, simultaneously distancing themselves from the third. I didn't know how it would happen, and..." Here I do look at her, the pause is so long. She is turning the color of a tomato. "I even thought, sometimes, about what it would be like if we were all together forever. In... that kind of way. Because it was always inevitable that we'd all be intertwined. I just wondered..."

Well. I was surprised. I'll say that much. Damn surprised.

"I have to admit I never thought of that. And, sorry... but I really am not straight at all. So it wouldn't happen."

Well what else could I have said?

She shakes her head, smiling slightly.

"I never really thought it would. But... I think that he cares more than you think he does." She crawls around to sit in front of me, and practically forces me to look into her eyes. "What I'm about to tell you is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. If you laugh, something really, really bad will happen to you."

I stifle a laugh - she looks really funny when she's trying to be serioues - because I don't want to upset her.

She breathes out heavily, too much so to be a sigh... more like a gust of breath.

"The other day, Sora was at my house, and I was tutoring him for some history or something, I don't remember. Anyway, he jumped up, all excited about being almost finished, and turned to run to the bathroom... and of course, he tripped. Well, he landed on top of me, and however it happened, our lips banged together. So, well, he's looking at me dumbfounded, and I just... I _grabbed_ his face and practically _shoved _ my mouth onto his... And he scrambled off me like I was fire!

"He stood up, looked around, blushed like mad, and just said 'Um... I'm gonna go,' then ran out of my house. Ten minutes later he runs back in, and tells me he's sorry but I'm like his sister and rambles something about how he used to think he loved me but now he's not sure and then we have this weird conversation but I'm still so embarrassed-"

Yikes. Hysterical rambling again.

"Kairi! Kairi it's okay. Have you guys talked about this any?"

She visibly relaxes.

"Well, not after that strange conversation when he came back in my room. But it hasn't really been that big of a deal since. I guess he just thinks that it's resolved... though sometimes I still get really embarrassed."

"Well duh. And that pretty much sucks by the way." I say, putting a consoling hand on her shoulder. She nods and giggles for a moment. I smile, but the expression dies when I remember what else I needed to say. "So, tell me, how do you think it would be any different for me? I'd just be rejected as well, and... I don't think I can handle that right now."

She looks at me like I've missed the point entirely. Which, I guess, I have. She sighs deeply.

"What I was really trying to say is that Sora isn't going to read that much into it. That he'll still be your friend no matter how you feel. But also... I think you might have more of a chance."

She blushes again, and looks down. I look at her quizzically.

"What I mean is that you don't hear how he talks about you. Whenever I tutor him, he always gets distracted-" Typical. "-and then he'll ramble on and on about 'what Riku and I did' and 'do you think Riku's okay?' and 'man I wish I were on the island with Riku...' If you were a girl, I would have thought he had a crush on you a long time ago."

I snort. Yeah. Of course. Except there's that whole part where I'm a _boy._

"But now that I know about how you feel, I'm practically convinced he feels the same."

I'm dumbfounded again.

"... What?"

"Well he talks about you like he has a crush on you and... I know it sounds kind of silly... But I kind of think it's destiny. Two of us have to end up together, you know?"

"Kairi, that's... sort of retarded."

She smiles sheepishly.

"I know. But... it's at least worth a shot at happiness isn't it?"

Shit. Is it? Maybe... What if he does care?

"Riku, I'm gonna go. I think I'm talked out... plus I have to study for our math test tomorrow."

Ah, damn. Math among everything else.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna stay out here and... think. For a while."

We exchange smiles and I stand and help her up. She gives me a small hug.

"Thanks, Kairi. For understanding."

She pulls out.

"You're welcome." And with a smile and a wave, she's off.

And I have no idea how I'm going to do this.

Crap.

A/N: This is the edited version... Because I accidentally posted the raw material earlier. Thppppt -- iz dumb. Anyway, this is one of a few parts, not sure how many yet, and should be updated within the next week or so. I'd like to hear some feedback on characterizations, etc... I kind of like sarcastic!Riku and goodfriend!Kairi, and semi-ditz!Sora will make an appearance as well. Also, how's the writing style? Does my grammar suck? Please let me know via review!

**Edit: 5/20/08 - Fixed some things that have been bothering me as well as a few typos.**


	2. Sora

Blue. The sky is so _blue _and _pretty_ and here I am studying _inside_ for a stupid test on stupid _stupid_ history. Who cares that some guy did a thing a while ago when right now is just so nice!

I sigh, slightly irritated. I know, I know, maybe if some guy hadn't done some thing in the past, I wouldn't be sitting here today.

Actually, yes! I wouldn't be sitting here because I wouldn't have to study and I'd be outside! In the sun! Swimming! _Anything _else!

I bet _Riku_ is outside. Stupid Riku, being older and ahead of me. He's always one step ahead of me.

That made it pretty damn hard to find him, considering. He was always right there, out of reach, my idiot best friend who likes to angst in the corner sometimes. But he's here now, after much chasing and fighting and stuff, so I'm pretty happy with the situation.

Okay okay, maybe I'm a little more than just happy. So maybe I did cry when I finally saw him again. That doesn't make me a baby or anything... I was just so relieved! I thought something terrible had happened to him - which, well, I guess it did - but he was okay, really. Seeing his face again... I think I was more relieved at that moment than I was when we finally defeated Xemnas.

My stupid best friend.

I have to at least try to study... but when I look down at the notes I've taken in class, all I see are little doodles of myself banging my head against the desk, Riku and I out on the island doing anything from sparring to me playing a dirty trick on him or both of us tricking Kairi or us...

Hm. I seem to be doing a lot of Riku-related doodles.

Well I guess they wouldn't really be about Kairi right about now, not after that weird thing that happened last week. Gah, **SO** embarrassing.

So we're just sitting there studying, and I'm so bored I'm about to cry when she lets me know we're almost done...

_"Sora, after you answer these last five questions, you'll be done! So if you'll just focus for one min-"_

_She got my attention there._

_"Almost done? Awesome!" I jumped up, excited about getting out of Kairi's purple room and outside or back to my house to play video games._

_But the thing is... I have these really enormous feet. And sometimes standing up/turning quickly/not paying attention... Leads to major clumsiness.  
_

_"Well I'm gonna run to the bathroom and then I'll--"_

_And, well, there was a thing. And I guess I tripped on it... And I landed on Kairi. All that would have been fine, except there was this really uncomfortable moment where she was looking at me funny after I had pulled myself up._

_Her eyes went all funny... Then suddenly I was being kissed! For the first time ever! By __**Kairi.**_

_What? What the hell's going on here? _

_So my brain kicks in and I jump back pretty quickly (I have awesome reflexes, thank you)._

_"Um... Kairi, yeah... I uh... meeting Riku? Sure! I um ... I have to go!" I blurted in my super sleek and entirely normal way (I was basically crapping myself), and dashed from the room like a kitty on fire._

_By the time I got outside, I was totally confused. Hadn't that come out of nowhere? I mean, I liked Kairi and everything, and I had wanted to kiss her for a while, but that was just..._

_Wait. If I liked Kairi, and I wanted to kiss her, why hadn't I just stayed behind and ravished her? I mean, I am seventeen, I __**know**__ I'm sexually deprived for my age (the heartless, Donald, and Goofy didn't exactly do a lot for me), so why didn't I stay and get the kiss I'd always wanted?_

_After all, she was the one who kissed me._

_So why do I feel like I just kissed my mom in a gross way? EWWWWWW!_

_My thoughts are racing so fast right now, and I'm so confused. I just kinda plopped under a tree, squeezed my eyes shut, and tried to think. What do I do now? I don't want things to be all weird and awkward with Kairi, but I know I can't date her now, because I'd have to kiss her more often, and I didn't like that because it was strange and gross and unnatural like my __**sister**__ or something even though I don't have a sister and what would Riku do I'm confused-!_

_Well Riku would probably tell me to get off my ass and go apologize and be honest instead of sitting here freaking out like a girl. Or pansy. Or anything that's not manly and macho like him._

_So a few minutes later, I get myself up off the ground, and wander back toward Kairi's. I try to sneak up the stairs quietly, but it's freakin' amazing how when you are trying to be your quietest, squeaks sound like bombs exploding and each breath is nails on a chalk board._

_So I endure the most irritating noises ever and finally come to her room and push open the door. She's gathering up our stuff in kind of a daze. She notices me._

_"Sora?"_

_I gulp down a massive ball of nerves and sigh, reaching a hand up and scratching the back of my head._

_"Kairi, sorry about running out earlier... but that was just really unexpected," I say, laughing a bit too loudly and failing at trying not to sound nervous._

_"It's okay Sora, I know I probably frea-"_

_And then there was word vomit._

_"It's just I thought about it and I thought I wanted the same thing but see it feels like when I kissed you it was like-" I coughed a bit to stop myself from more explosive rambling. "It was like kissing someone in my family. You're like a sister to me, and I don't think I could be with you like that. Kissing and stuff, I mean. I really like you, you're one of my best friends, but I just feel so __**weird**__ right now."_

_My hands are all sweaty. Nasty._

_She just kinda looks dejected, sits on her bed and sighs. She looks up at me._

_"It's okay Sora. I'm sorry about that, I don't know what came over me. I guess I just wanted to see what it felt like."_

_I smile at her._

_"So what did it feel like?"_

_She smiles back._

_"Like someone's head bonked really hard into mine."_

_We both grin and laugh a bit, and the strain is kinda gone. I get my stuff and go, feeling really lucky that she forgot I still had those five questions to do._

_Yes! Clever Sora, getting out early! Now, where's is Riku's fat butt at..._

I'm so not studying anymore. There is no way I can focus at all with the sun all being in the sky and stuff, so I just shut my books and stretch out, ready to leave my room and search out someone to do something with.

I'm pretty sure Kairi will be studying because she's a nerd and that's what she does, so I'm thinking that Riku will be procrastinating out on the island because he's Riku and that's what he does.

So off to the island it is!

After a quick change into a t-shirt and shorts, I'm walking down the road towards the beach to paddle out to the island. Ugh, I can't believe I wasted part of this day inside. School is so GAY.

Not that I use the term gay in a derogatory way. I like gay people. I mean, Tidus is gay and that doesn't bother me in the least. It is kinda funny though because not many people know he is, and he still has all the girls mooning over him all the time. The only weird thing is I think sometimes he checks out Riku, which is weird not just because Riku's my friend, but because it makes _me _check him out. It's just that group guy reflex to check out what the other guys are checking out, I'm sure, but sometimes it makes me notice things about Riku that I probably shouldn't.

Like just how _pretty _he is. He's more like a girl than me, with that hair all in his face and grown way down passed his shoulders. And he's got those girly eyelashes that make his greeny-blue eyes look all mysterious and huge. But I guess that's where his girlyness really ends, because he's a lot more dudely than I am everywhere else.

I don't get it, he's only a _year_ older! So why does he have all these big defined muscles while I'm just leanly muscular? It's so DUMB!

Everything on Riku is all chiseled out. He has ridiculously good abs and that muscle that I just call the crotch cut cause I have no clue what it is. I kinda have it, but his is like an arrow that says "LOOK AT MY CROTCH."

And sometimes I wonder if his... thing is bigger than mine, and then I REALLY blush and glare at Tidus for making me think all gay. Even though... I sometimes I think I'm attracted to Riku, but I guess it's normal for all guys to wonder sometimes, right? Plus Riku's my best friend, and he is attractive at a retarded level.

Stupid Tidus.

"Oi, Sora!"

Oh, Tidus. Well that's weird. I turn around and smile, seeing him run up to me as I'm untying my boat.

"Hey Tidus, what's up?"

He stops to catch his breath for a split second, then says, "Are you going out to the island? Mind if I catch a ride?"

"Sure! Just grab an extra paddle and we'll head out." I say, and he nods, taking the one from the extra boat.

We push my boat out, and climb in, and as I'm pulling the rope up, a question strikes me.

"Hey Tidus, how'd you figure out you were gay?" I blurt stupidly, instantly feeling my face heat up. Oops. That sounds really not like I meant for it to at all. And not to my surprise he's looking at me like I just turned into a cat. "ERM... I mean.. uh... well. I guess I was just wondering..." Smooth, Sora.

"...Sora? Do you think you might be gay?" He asks, climbing in the boat, and I try to ignore that strange note in his voice that makes him sound hopeful.

"WHAT!? NO! I was just... NO, geeze, I just was wondering because... I, um... I was just wondering what it's like. Or like how you figured it out. I know it's weird. Sorry, I was just thinking about it right before you came up and I figured I'd ask-"

I stop when a snort catches my attention.

He's laughing at me! Jerkwad!

I shove the boat out forcefully, jostling him a little before climbing in myself as we start to paddle out. He stifles his laugh, calming down before he starts speaking.

"Sora, I mean.. it's really not that difficult to figure out you're gay. One, you're not attracted to girls. You don't really look at boobs and think, 'wow'... Instead, you're looking at another guy's butt and thinking 'wow.' It really isn't rocket science, although..." He pauses, looking down at the bottom of the boat, "...Sometimes it can take a while for you to admit that's what's going on in your head."

Hm. Well that's interesting.

"So, did you just notice one day that you weren't looking at girls like the rest of us?"

He looks at me like I'm an idiot.

"Sora, I'm not the only one around here who's not looking at girls... You know that, right?"

I stop my rowing. Someone else is gay? Do I know them?

I look at him questioningly and ask, "What do you mean? Is someone else gay?"

I continue to receive the 'you're stupid' look, which I'm beginning to resent.

He continues, "You mean you really haven't noticed anyone else looking at guys? Like really looking? Checking out other guys, maybe even having a crush on one guy in particular?"

My blank stare cues him to go on.

"Okay, so there is no one on this island that you haven't noticed maybe looking at you differently? Maybe getting closer to you than normal, physically, I mean?"

I suddenly understand. "Oh yeah, I mean, Kairi kissed me the other day! Is that what you mean? I didn't think that was gay though."

Tidus is banging his head with the top of his paddle.

"Um... so I guess you don't mean Kairi... Well then.. What do you... Oh. OH." Now I really have it figured out.

Shit! Tidus has a crush on me!

"You have a crush on me!"

Tidus looks at me with that look again and shouts, "NO! Sora, you are so oblivious! It's **not me, **its certainly **not **_**Kairi**_, and I'll go ahead and tell you it's not Wakka or Selphie either just to help you out a bit!"

Geeze, Tidus, chill out. But I rewind our conversation mentally, remembering that Tidus was actually trying to tell me someone _else_ that I know is gay. Duh, Sora.

"Tidus, I'm not that stupid, it just sounded like you were trying to hint at that, idiot. What was I supposed to think?"

And as I'm speaking my brain is playing out the part of the mental conversation tape that recorded what Tidus just screamed. Not Tidus, Kairi, Wakka, or Selphie. Hm. So who does that leave...?

Oh man. Seriously? Tidus has to be delirious. I just start laughing my head off. _Riku! _Riku having a crush on _me_! Hahahaha! That's so silly. That's the most ridiculous thing ever.

"You... hahha... You seriously think... hahahaHA! That **RIKU** has a _crush _on _me!_ HAHA! Tidus, you are SO stupid."

I keep laughing and he's glaring at me a little, paddling a little faster than me now. Then he takes a deep breathe and the glaring stops. Thankfully he doesn't give me that 'you're and idiot' look again.

"Actually, Sora, I think you have a crush on Riku. That's what I think."

Huh? WHAT? No way, I like girls, I don't look at Riku like that...!

... Shit.

All the doodles. The talking about Riku. The checking Riku out even when Tidus wasn't. The getting annoyed when Tidus checked out Riku. The whole thing with not liking kissing Kairi. The Riku. The funny dreams where I almost kiss him and then it turns into a joke. The constantly thinking about Riku. Ku. Keh. Crap.

"...Sora? You all right buddy?"

I breathe for the first time in over a minute. Or maybe I was hyperventilating. Something.

"Tidus," I start, my voice cracking a bit in an entirely unmanly way, "If I tell you something, will you please promise not to freak out or laugh or tell anybody?"

He looks at me, very concerned.

"You know you can tell me anything, Sora."

"I don't know... But... I mean... What if you're right?" I say, trying desperately not to freak out. Too much.

He snorts. "Well that wasn't really telling me anything, it was more like asking... But I don't think it's much of a problem if you do."

But no matter how much I try not to, I'm about to freak out.

"But _he's _ my best friend! **HE!** He'd shit a brick! And _I'm not gay_! I know I'm not gay, I used to be in love with Kairi and I used to want to kiss Kairi! I'm not gay... I look at boobs!"

Tidus is looking at me contemplatively. My face is flaming and my whole body has started to sweat, and it's really not hot outside at all.

"Sora, have you ever heard of a bisexual?"

"What does that have to do with anything! I don't like _boys_ I just like _Riku!_ WAIT! I don't even know that! Shit!" I shout, standing up suddenly, like an idiot, not even realizing how bad I've started making the boat rock.

"Sora, calm down! You're going to turn the boat over if you keep freaking out! It's okay, you may or may not have a crush on Riku but either way it's not the end of the world! Just chill out, man!" He's panicking, probably because I'm wobbling all over the place, still about to crap myself, and I can't seem to calm down.

But Tidus keeps talking to me, rambling about how he's full blown gay and his life hasn't fallen apart, it's okay to be confused, blah blah, and I'm slowly starting to breathe more normally and revert back to normal-Sora mode, the cool breeze floating off the ocean helping me out a bit.

"... Better?" He tentatively asks once I'm just sitting covering my eyes with one hand.

"Yeah. I'm just pretty confused right about now, because, well, all signs point to me being right about thinking I might possibly have a crush on my best male friend."

I feel Tidus hesitate before he says, "Sorry, I didn't think you'd react like that. I thought you were straight as a pole." He sounds sheepish.

I look him dead in the eyes and smile a bit. "So did I."

We both laugh lowly for a second before I bury my face in my hands, trying to think.

"So what do you think you'll do?" He asks. I glance at him through my fingers before dragging my hands down my face, taking a deep breath.

"At this point, I don't know. I mean I just figured this out."

Oh God. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have a crush on Riku. Geeze. This is the weirdest moment of my life, including when I turned into a lion cub.

Tidus had taken to being really quiet.

"Well," he starts, very, very quietly, "you might have more of a shot than you think."

I look at him like he's dumb. Hey, turnabout is fair play.

"Riku isn't gay, Tidus." I state matter-of-factly. I mean, seriously. Riku? Gay? Hah. "And even if he were, I mean, I'm not exactly the type he'd go for."

Tidus just sighs, looking like he's done convincing people for the day.

"Think what you want Sora, but I think pretty much the opposite. I mean, I could be wrong. But I think this is enough drama for two guys in one day... I may be gay, but I'm not a girl. Let's just get to the island and spar, yeah?"

I nod, happy to get the thoughts out of the front of my mind. We dock the boat and tie it, and as we hang out for the rest of the afternoon, hanging out with Kairi for an hour or two, I can't help but wonder where Riku is and why Kairi was so weirded out when we ran into her.

And I can't help but want to see him.

Damn.

This crush thing is going to be pretty weird now that I know about it.

A/N: 4-2-08 Update: Edited a few things, tried to weed out the spelling errors and give the story a more "real" feel, description-wise. I don't really like description though; I'm much more action-oriented.

Much love.


	3. Two Sides

So it's been a few days, and things have gotten just a little bit weird. And I'm starting to think Kairi will be wrong, because at this point, if I even told Sora I was _gay_, much less _in love with him_, he'd probably lose it.

Allow me to explain. Firstly, every time I touch him, even when it's just trying to give him a whack on the head or a playful shove, or even saving his ass from tripping all over his huge, out of proportion feet, he retracts like I have some sort of horrible disease crawling all over me. Secondly, he won't look me in the eye without getting this look on this face like he's feeling sick. Thirdly, he hasn't made any random visits to my house since I had my chat with Kairi.

Which leads me to Kairi's house, to ask her why the hell she hinted/blatantly told Sora about our conversation that was supposed to be confidential.

I knock, her "mum" lets me in, ("Oh, Riku! It's so good to see you, come in, come in, Kairi's upstairs, goodness you've gotten handsome, so tall, blah blah etc.) and up the stairs I go into the purple cave.

Knock knock.

"Come in!"

I open the door, feeling my eyes narrow just the slightest bit. Oh, look at her, studying, looking all innocent and-

Not alone.

Hello, Sora. Why, isn't this just _fantastic_. I blink stupidly before getting myself together... Time to play nonchalant and make up a reason I'm here.

"What's up guys?" I say, flashing a grin at Kairi before turning to the shocked looking brunet sitting on her floor. "Sora, I didn't know you were here, I was gonna ask Kairi if she'd done her... calculus homework." Slick, Riku. I'm good.

Except that I never need help on math.

They look at each other, Sora's face mildly frantic and Kairi's unreadable, and I can't help but feel like I just walked in right in the middle of something major happening.

And I think it has something to do with me, considering all chatter stopped as soon as I made my presence known.

Not to mention the 'I'm-freaked-out' face that seems to be plastered on Sora's countenance.

Hum.

"Hey Riku!" He all but shouts, turning to me with a strained smile, "Kairi and me are just sitting around, pretty much bored. You guys are such nerds with your school work," he scratches the back of his head and tries to widen his smile, somehow not coming out just right, "Heheh."

Seconds pass, and there might as well be fucking crickets chirping as I glance back and forth between the two of them.

This feels extraordinarily awkard. And that feeling that Kairi did let the beans spill all over the floor is getting much more intense.

Except that it's just... so unlike her.

I sigh, and time kick-starts again as Kairi jumps up.

"Yeah, Riku, I've got that homework somewhere," she smiles just as awkwardly as Sora, "Just give me a minute and let me find it. I think it's in my backpack downstairs, I did it during lunch today." Her eyes point at me, in whatever way eyes manage to point, and I get the feeling that she's demanding something.

Wait.. Did she just give me a look?

I want to glare at her, but I refrain because she's sensitive and I don't really have a concrete basis to glare at my best friend.

Somehow I think some of it slips anyway.

So I plop down casually next to Sora, pushing away how pissed off I feel, looking at the ground awkwardly before trying to make idle conversation.

"What are you guys up to?" I ask.

He looks around nervously and gulps a bit. "I just had some stuff on my mind and took a walk and wandered over here. I've really onlly been here about half an hour."

I smirk at him.

"Sora, sometimes I worry about your wandering. I think if you don't watch your ass, one day you're gonna wander off a cliff." I snicker. Man, I'm funny. He pouts at me.

"Hey! I'm not _that _ oblivious Riku," he says, rolling his eyes. "Geeze. I would so not wander off a cliff. You know I just hafta go on a walk sometimes," he murmurs. Well, at least he's not nervous... Nervous Sora is just odd. Especially when I don't know what's got him so uptight. "Doofus."

"Idiot."

"Butt-face."

"Butt-face? Are you two?" I raise an eyebrow, grinning at him. I love him, sometimes, simply because he can't think of good comebacks. He half-glares, blowing his bangs out of his face in an annoyed way.

"Riku, you suck."

Actually, now that you mention it...

I mentally give my head a shake, feeling a blush creeping up, (reactions, damn) and instantly change the subject to the first thing that comes to mind.

"So... What was on your mind?"

As his head snaps up from where he was sulking from my teasing him, I realize that maybe this wasn't the right thing to say.

"Well... I, it's just this..." He pauses, taking a deep breath, before unleashing an explosive ramble. "There was a thing that happened the other day with Tidus while we were on our way out to the island and it was weird because it made me think things that are freaky and I don't know how I feel about all of it and ever since it's been all strange and I'm really confused about everything and you're-" He seems to catch himself, instantly stopping

And I'm what? And what does _Tidus _have to do with anything? A _thing_ happened with _Tidus_.

I can feel my throat go dry.

Just what _kind of thing_ happens with Tidus that could weird Sora out?

A damn depressing thing, that's what.

My eyes narrow, ever so slightly.

And something that makes me think I might have to have a little chat with Tidus later.

I take a breath, looking at Sora as he watches the carpet intently.

"Sora... why have you been avoiding me? And what happened with Tidus? You're not making any-"

"RIKU! Here I found the homework, but I just remembered I really have to tutor Sora because he has, um... he has a history paper tomorrow and you know how he is about history so I need you to LEAVE _now_ please!"

Kairi is a sputtering mess as she yanks me up (with surprising strength, really), practically shoving the homework in my face and me out the door. Before I can even blink the door shuts in my face and I'm left with calculus homework that I don't even need.

What the fuck?

Needless to say I'm much more than just a little irritated. I'm actually downright pissed off, thank you very much. What the hell just happened? Why is Sora being so _weird_? Did Kairi really **tell **him?

What's more, what the **fuck** happened with Sora and Tidus? Why doesn't anyone tell me anything anymore?

Raking a hand through my hair, I decide I need to vent a littl.

I'm going to find Tidus and make him spar so I can kick his ass.

ooo

_Whew. _**That** could have been _really _bad.

All I'm trying to do is figure out how to deal with this new found fact that I have a crush on my best guy friend, and here comes lady unluck to screw everything up! What the hell!?

So there I am, just walking down the road, thinking about ways that I can help myself out by _not_ acting like a nervous freaking school girl around Riku. I mean, I can't really help it... Everything about him has just been amplified ever since I figured all these... _things_ out.

Like his face. I notice his lips, and wonder how they'd feel in a kiss (hopefully not just mashed together like my one with Kairi... yech!), or how soft his hair looks, or how tight his butt is. I just _stare _at him like some brainless sex-fiend/pervert! And then I feel myself go completely red, and I can't look him in the eyes, and I know my face probably looks constipated from trying to force down a blush and-!

Ugh. Shut up brain, you're being confusing again!

And when he touches me I just lose it because I'm trying not to squeal.

What's worse is I just know Riku doesn't feel the same way. I mean, I've known him forever, he isn't_gay._ We used to fight over Kairi all the time... There is no _way _uber-macho-mysterious man Riku likes guys.

Much less me.

I feel my shoulders slump as I walk down the road, hands in my pockets.

Don't get me wrong, I'm an attractive guy. But I'm nowhere near Riku's level... I'm all knees and elbows and feet. Fucking feet, always making me look like such a clutz, and especially in front of Riku lately. But really, it's not my fault I'm so distracted! He's always _right there._

Which makes sense, seeing as he's my _best friend._ So what the heck am I doing **crushing** on him?!

These are my thoughts as I meander down the road, taking in the scenery and trying to keep my head from melting down like ice cream in the sun. Those stupid feet have led me over by Kairi's house, about half a mile from my own.

I glance at her house. Hm. Maybe Kairi might have some answers... But still, I wonder if she'd be weirded out if I told her about my little secret? She'd probably freak, at least a little... I mean, it is weird and out of nowhere.

Hi, I'm Sora, and I'm a dude with a crush on my dude friend.

But maybe my female friend can help me out? Girls know a lot about this stuff, don't they?

Besides, she's one of my best friends. She'll understand.

And so, nodding resolutely, I make my way up the stone steps to the front door, walk into her house (I'm always welcome) and up to her room.

_Knock knock._

"Who's there?"

Teehee! I should _so _make a joke. But I'm too confused to think of anything and Riku would probably think it was stupid or say something irritating about how cute it was. Stupid sarcastic Riku.

I wonder if he does think I'm cute.

"Um... is anyone there?"

Oh yeah, Kairi. Duh, I did just knock on her door.

"Hey, it's Sora... I kinda need to talk, mind if I come in?"

She hesitates a second before she opens the door, smiling her bright smile and looking happy.

Fart. I wanna be happy.

"Sure, come on in," she says, opening her door wide. "What's up?"

I walk in, plopping down on the floor and resting my back against the end of her bed.

I take a deep breath.

"Well... it's really, really embarrassing, and really personal and really confusing. So please promise not to tell anybody?" I plead, probably looking pathetic and puppy eyed. Ugh. "Well, you could probably tell Tidus." I add as an afterthought. "He basically helped me figure out what's going on."

She looks at me, eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"Um, Sora, I hate to interupt, but what's going on? You've got me really confused." She says.

I look at her sheepishly. I know, it's freakin' confusing. I take just a second to try and gather my thoughts, and end up blowing them all out in my next breath.

"Okay, well I guess I'll just tell you the story. Tidus and I decided to row out to the island the other day, and on our way out there I had a thought pop in my head, and you know how I just say whatever comes into my mind sometimes," I look at her nervously, and she nods for me to go on. "Well I asked him how he figured out he was gay. And long story short, he made a joke about thinking I had a crush on Riku, and when he said that something clicked in my head and... and I think he's right! And now everything is really awkward around Riku because I don't know how to act and I don't know if I want to kiss him or just try to be friends and it's weird because it's _Riku_ and he's a _guy_ and I didn't even know I liked guys until four days ago! What do I do?"

To her credit, Kairi is just looking at me intently. No freaking out, no dumb-founded expression, just looking at me like she's studying me. She sighs a little and leans back in her chair.

"To tell the truth, Sora... I kind of thought the same thing after the whole kiss episode." She says, sounding for all the world like it was_ normal _ for her to think that! I can feel myself getting red. "Especially after you started acting like a lovesick schoolgirl around him, not knowing whether to avoid him or just follow him like a puppy."

"Hey! I'm not a lovesick schoolgirl or a puppy!" I say, slightly peeved, crossing my arms. "Why does everyone always say shit like that about me?"

So sue me, I'm offended. I'm so _not _ a girl or a puppy. Geeze.

Before she can speak I say something again. "So... you already thought I might have a crush on Riku?"

She nods and smiles gently. "Uh-huh." Her expression then turns serious. "In truth, Sora, I always thought it'd be you and I that ended up together, because Riku is so much like a brother to me. I mean... I still have feelings for you, though I know you don't have them for me. But let me finish, I see you over there wanting to say something," she pauses for a second, before continuing, "But now I don't think that I'm meant to be with either of you in _that _way. Sometimes I think it might be the two of you that end up together."

My eyes bug out.

Say who did what now?

"_Kairi?"_

She giggles at my dumb-founded expression.

"Don't look at me so weird, Sora. Seriously, after all you've been through, this should be one of the _least_ weird things you've ever heard of or thought about."

And you know what? She's pretty much right.

But there's just one tiny little problem.

"Kairi..." I whine, flopping onto my back on the floor. "There's just a small problem with that."

"What?" She asks.

"There's that whole part where _Riku_ isn't _gay_!"

"Well I-"

_Knock knock._

And enter Riku.

Enter total and complete mortification courtesy Sora's big fat mouth. How embarrassing! Did he just here what I said? Oh God! Crap! Shit!

When I look up at him, he looks slightly surprised, but only blinks before flashing a grin.

He doesn't _look_ like he heard me.

"What's up guys? Sora, I didn't know you were here, I was gonna ask Kairi if she'd done her calculus homework."

My mind starts to race with all the thoughts that have been happening every time I've encountered Riku these last few days. Lips. Eyes. Girly-hair. Muscles!

Oh crap oh crap oh crap. What do I do? Shit. Can't handle Riku. Still need advice from Kairi.

Save me Kairi! Why isn't she saying anything? Someone, say _something! _Oh shit, I feel a babble coming on... (I didn't mean _me!_) Try to contain it...

"Hey Riku! Kairi and me are just sitting around, pretty much bored, haha. You guys are such nerds with your school work heheh." Great. I'm just so _smooth_ I can hardly **stand **it.

This feels extraordinarily awkard. Seconds pass, and it's so freakin' quiet that I can her my _hair_ growing.

"Yeah, Riku," - Kairi suddenly rejoins the living - "I've got that homework somewhere." She says, smiling in a strained sort of way, like she's trying to cover up what we've just been talking about. "Just give me a minute and let me find it. I think it's in my backpack downstairs, I did it during lunch today."

She glances between us, giving me a nod with a strange expression on her face before making a fast escape. How dare she abandon me in my fucking time of need!

Wait... Did she just give me a look?

Crap! She wants me to **talk** to him? What the hell am I supposed to say! 'Hey Riku, guess what, I have a crush on you and want to make out with you and stuff! Is that cool with you? Great! Candy everywhere!'

"What are you guys up to?" He asks.

I can feel myself swallow my heart as it beats a thousand miles a minute. He's just plopped down _right _next to me.

"I just had some stuff on my mind and took a walk and wandered over here. I've really only been here about half an hour."

He gives me a snarky smirk.

"Sora, sometimes I worry about your wandering. I think if you don't watch your ass, one day you're gonna wander off a cliff." He says.

That was _so_ not funny.

"Hey! I'm not _that _ oblivious Riku. Geeze. I would so not wander off a cliff. You know I just hafta go on a walk sometimes," I kind of fade off toward the end, but I feel more comfortable now that we're just insulting each other. "Doofus."

"Idiot."

"Butt-face."

"Butt-face? Are you two?"

Grrr. Stupid Riku, with all your prettyness.

"Riku, you suck."

Am I crazy or is he blushing?

"So... What was on your mind?" He asks quickly, I guess feeling weird.

Shit! What am I supposed to say? Oh no... word vomit, ahoy!

"Well... I, it's just this... There was a thing that happened the other day with Tidus while we were on our way out to the island and it was weird because it made me think things that are freaky and I don't know how I feel about all of it and ever since it's been all strange and I'm really confused about everything and you're-" But at least this time I catch myself, stopping before I say '_and you're so pretty._' Which probably would have both freaked him out and pissed him off.

But for some reason he still looks pissed. But more sad than anything.

Weird.

"Sora... why have you been avoiding me?" he asks, looking even more sad. "And what happened with Tidus? You're not making any-"

"RIKU! Here I found the homework, but I just remembered I really have to tutor Sora because he has, um... he has a history paper tomorrow and you know how he is about history so I need you to LEAVE _now_ please!"

Kairi to save the day! ...Though this definitely doesn't make up for her abandoning me in the first place. Meanie.

She all but shoves him out before she shuts the door in his face. She looks at me and tells me she's so sorry, that she thought it might be good if we could talk, but that she forgot I tend to stick my foot in my mouth.

I resent that, but admit to myself it's probably true.

And I can hear Riku stomping down the stairs. I get up and go to the window, and watch him. He looks very irritated.

"Sora," She says, coming up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder, "I think you just need to act more natural around him. You have a crush, just accept it. You're making him worry acting this way... It would be better if you'd just embrace what you feel." She says, turning me around gently to face her. She gets a mischievous look in her eyes. "Follow your heart. Maybe... maybe even drop little hints at him. Give him hugs, stuff like that. See how he reacts. It couldn't hurt."

Couldn't hurt?!

"Couldn't hurt? Kairi, he'd freak out!" I say, throwing my hands up in exasperation. Gah!

"Sora, you're not thinking straight," I'm not even going to point out the pun, "You're hurting Riku by doing what you're doing now, and whatever you do that's out of the ordinary, he's just going to confront you about it. If you'd just relax, I think you'd see a lot more going on in this situation."

I think about this for a minute, and I know she's right. If Riku ever thinks I'm acting weird in a non-good way, he always tells me, asks me what's going on. And really there's nothing to be afraid of. We've been there for each other through thick and thin, and accepted each other no matter what, through the darkness, everything. So even if he doesn't return my feelings, it'll be okay. And even though I don't think he sees me in _that _way, I won't know how he really feels until I attempt to figure out what's going through his head. So, really, whats the harm in a little flirting? There really isn't anything to lose - I know he'll be my friend no matter what happens.

I nod to myself, looking smiling brightly at the girl standing across from me.

"Thanks Kairi!" I say, grabbing her in a hug. I can feel a certain bubbling excitement building in my stomach, suddenly getting an idea. "You know what, I'm gonna ask him to stay over this weekend! Yeah! Then we'll see how things go... This'll be okay!"

I know, I'm a little peppy, but hey, I'm trying to be optimistic!

"Good. Now go home Sora, I need to go to sleep. My brain is on melt down from all these confessions." She laughs a little, her friendly smile letting me know she's only joking.

"Alright. I'll see you at school, Kairi."

...Maybe things won't be so bad after all.

A/N: In case you guys haven't noticed, sometimes it takes me a day or two to really post the good one. I'll read over it several times before I post and I won't catch errors, but when I read it again I see them eveywhere. So pardon any that show up in the first part!

Also, please review! I know there a bunch of you out there, so do me a favor and tell me how you like it!

Much love.

Update: 4/3/08 Revised a bit, tried to get a little more character motivation, etc. Also tried to fix any errors I saw, though there are probably still a ton. I also tried to convey a bit more facial expression, because I noticed sometimes the dialogue alone isn't enough to support what the characters are trying to say. Have a good read!


	4. Three Sides

There I am, minding my own business, gaming in my room, when enters a pissed as hell Riku, looking (undeniably sexy when he's angry, by the way) ready to charge something over like a bull on crack.

And he's headed right in my direction.

Aw, shit. Did he figure out I tried to let his secret slip to the oblivious Sora?

"Tidus! You, me, spar, now."

I blink, and he throws his bangs out of his face, his eyes looking like the embodiment of the word _murder_. He's looking at me like I killed his mom or something.

"Oooookay Riku, just calm down a bit. What's up?" I say apprehensively, holding my hands up in what I hope is a defensive-looking gesture.

And all at once, explosion.

"WHAT THE **_FUCK_** HAPPENED WITH SORA?! WHY IS HE AVOIDING ME?! DID YOU _DO_ SOMETHING TO HIM?!"

I blink, pushing myself as far up against my chair as I possibly can.

Whoa. Yikes. Me no likey angry Riku. And hell no, I'm definitely _not_ about to spar with this guy.

Wait a minute. Did he just ask me if _I_ did something with _Sora?_ Hah! If only he knew. After all, I'm pretty sure Sora's only gay for Riku.

And you know what _really_ sucks? Riku's got a major thing for his stupid oblivious best friend. And not for me.

But to the present.

"Wait, what? What do you mean what did I do to _Sora_?" I say, and he snorts, crossing his arms and continuing his glare o' death. I rethink my strategy, continuing, "We just had a chat a few days ago, and I think I helped him realize some things-"

He snorts again, though it's really closer to a snarl, looking more and more pissed off.

"_Really_. And just _how_ did you go about helping Sora realize these _**things**_?"

Am I really digging myself in this deep?

Dig a hole, dig a hole.

Shit Tidus, what are you doing?

"Okay, look, obviously things are a little confused here. I know you have a thing for Sora-"

"You have no idea what you're talking about." He snaps, and I can feel his glare continue to burn away my soul, little by little.

"Just let me finish, okay!" I shout, suddenly irritated myself by just how butt-headed Riku can be. He obviously has no idea how transparent he is. "Whatever you say, you have a thing for Sora. And when we were talking, he asked my how I figured out I was gay. So I told him that I just noticed I was checking out more guy's butts than girl's boobs, and that I was dreaming of guys rather than girls... All that stuff." I pause, gaging Riku's reaction. It looks like he's calming down a bit. "So then Sora totally flips a shit and starts freaking out thinking he might be gay or have a crush on someone, something like that, and he almost knocks the boat over," I chance a look at Riku here, and he's visibly relaxed. I consider yelling out 'then we kissed!' but decided this would be a bad time to make a bad joke about something that never happened. "Anyway, I calm him down, we go out to the island and hang out with Kairi. That's all that happened."

Riku unfolds his arms, running a hand through his hair, and sits on my bed... Which gives me a mild heart attack, because I've really wanted to have Riku on my bed for quite a while.

Too bad it will never be the way I want it to be.

Oh cruel world, why must I crush on the one I can never have?

Crap.

So now it's silent, and I can almost hear him think. I take the chance to admire him while he isn't looking so he doesn't get creeped out by the fact that I might be sightly obsessed with him.

"So... you're telling me that Sora might think he's gay?"

I sigh, resigned.

"Pretty much."

"Oh," he says, pausing for a minute. "And nothing... _happened_... between you guys?"

"Not a damn thing," I smile a bit, "You know I don't get any action on this island."

He chuckles, much more relaxed now, and I'm happy I could make him laugh. After he came back, he just looked so... somber.

All the time.

Except around Sora, but everyone knows that's when Riku smiles the most.

"Well," he looks a bit sheepish. Sweet! I get a Riku apology. "Sorry about earlier. I guess I'm just a little-"

"Territorial?" It's my turn to interrupt him. His smile fades and he nods. "Well I think you should tell him what's on your mind. You guys have been through everything together, he's your best friend. Just let him know."

Another snort.

"Right, so he can keep avoiding my like I'm his homework."

I think on that a bit. Hm. I'd much rather see Riku happy, even if it isn't with me. So how can I be sly about this without just busting out with a 'Hey, Riku, you're a dumbass. Who else would Sora have a crush on? Wakka? Really, cause I'd kill-'

My eyes involuntarily squeeze shut. Dammit, stop that train of thought, Tidus. Don't think about him right now.

I take a deep breath, calming myself before I say to Riku, "Well, I think he might like you back."

Riku looks up, shocked.

I throw my hands up, rolling my eyes, "Come on man, you're so far out of the closet that it's a speck on the horizon. Well, at least to anyone who's been there." I say, and his expression is completely unreadable. Well, I guess it's still a bit deer-in-headlights, but it's hard to tell with his bangs in his face.

He sighs, and let's go of the fact that I've figured him out. "Just... do me a favor and don't let Sora know. I really think it'd freak him out. I mean, really, really make him lose it. And... I don't... I don't want to lose my best friend."

I shake my head at him.

"Riku, sometimes you're as stupid as Sora. You guys have been friends since before you were born, there's nothing that's gonna split you guys apart."

"I'll tell him in my own time." He sighs. "Besides, maybe this will fade..."

My amused smile drops, and I can't help looking at the ground. There he comes again, into my mind like a fucking firestorm. Riku may be my crush, but...

"Crushes come and go, Riku. But love, real love... That never really goes away."

He looks at me carefully, but he can feel I'm not talking about him.

"Thanks, Tidus."

"No problem, Riku. I'm always here," I say, forcing my smile back on my face. Hey, I'm not Sora, but I'm a happy guy, right?

And with a nod, he leaves.

And I'm left with thoughts of tan skin and red hair and a funny accent wrapped in one package.

ooo

I feel like my stomach is going to explode as I walk back from Tidus' house. Fucking butterflies.

Sora thinks he might be gay!

Shit, stop it Riku, it doesn't really mean anything. He could just be confused, and what's more, it probably isn't you he has a crush on. He's probably been avoiding you because he thinks you'd flip on him if he told you he thought he was gay.

That has to be it.

But I wonder who he has a crush on?

God, when I thought that Tidus had done something... _anything_... with Sora, I could swear I felt my entire chest fall to the ground with me still standing. And then there was that awful jealous rage, where I just wanted to take Tidus - my friend of 10 years - and pummel his head straight into the ground.

I wanted to beat the gay out of him so he'd leave my Sora alone.

But as it is, it makes sense. Tidus would never force himself on anyone, he's not even really comfortable with making moves on any guy yet, much less _Sora_. Sora who he's shown no interest in thus far. I mean, I think Tidus checks _me_ out more than he does Sora.

So, Sora thinks he's gay.

But... what does that even me for me? Could... Maybe... Could I have a shot? Well, maybe I could at least flirt some, maybe I could distract him away from whoever he's crushing on. (God help the bastard if I find out who he is. My looks actually _can_ kill.)

I shake my head roughly.

Shit, no, I couldn't hurt anyone that Sora carese about. If this person could make him happy, could I really crush that chance at happiness? I could never be the cause of Sora's pain... Not again. Never again.

I feel myself deflate. Even if it was me, even if I did have a chance at his heart... I couldn't take it. I can't...

But...

Damn, sometimes I just want to hold his hand.

ooo

My name is Sora, and I'm walking on sunshine!

Well, I'm actually floating because my stomach is filled with nerves and knots, mostly because during this week and weekend I'm going to test out Kairi's theory.

Hmmmm... Maybe I could try more hugs? Would he mind if I held his hand dragging him somewhere? What if I just... grabbed his hand, held it in mine?

...I wonder how he kisses?

Man. I just want to **touch** him. All over.

But this is so weird! A few days ago I thought I was interested in girls... And now I'm having dreams about sexing up my best guy friend!

But when I really think about it, is it really that much of a surprise? I mean, I cried when I saw him, actually cried. And I missed him so bad, so terribly... I wanted to see him safe so much, and he just kept running away...

I think that's what hurt the most. He was running from me... from _me_, from Sora, his best friend. I know he thought I betrayed him and then he betrayed me and somewhere along the way he felt guilty as hell... But still, he had to know I would always forgive him! I couldn't ever leave Riku.

I would never have left either of them. I love them both so much.

Just one of them is in kind of a sexual 'I want to have your babies except that's not possible' kind of way.

Could I spend the rest of my life with Riku? Like _that_? I still get weirded out when I think about sex.

Stop it Sora.

Geesh, what happened to me? I never really thought about sex, and now I'm just so _horny_ all the time. What a word. Hahaha! ... _horny._ Hehehe.

I guess this is what they call a 'sexual awakening.'

But I'm interested in boys! Seriously, what the hell? How have I not noticed before?

Or is it just Riku? Has it always just been Riku?

I nearly stop walking, finding myself thinking about that. I mean, just when I was hitting puberty, I was thrown into this insane adventure, and I guess... I never really thought about my sexuality. I mean, there was Kairi, and... I thought, you know, that maybe something would come of it. Boys and girls, right? That's how it was supposed to be. I never really questioned it. I loved Kairi, and I loved Riku. To me, it was all the same.

So when did it change? When did I finally wake up to the scream of my body to seek something more? Am I really as naive as people think?

...Shit. I totally am.

But when did that love turn to... to this? And why Riku? Why not Kairi?

I spent all that time looking for him and thinking about him and missing him... And when we got back I was with him and Kairi all the time. Maybe that's when it started? But I had missed Kairi too!

But there was something about Riku. There _is_ something about Riku. He knows me better than anyone, has been through hell and back for me, and I would easily do the same for him. I dunno, I can't describe it. And I know I'm attracted to him; duh.

But how? Maybe the attraction started when Tidus started checking out Riku and it kinda peeved me a lot. When I think back on it, I'm such an idiot. Really, I didn't know why I got so irritated? Duh, Sora. It's because you were _jealous._

I scrunch my eyebrows in irritation, nearly groaning out loud because Riku just _isn't **gay**!_

What if I just end up embarrassing myself trying to flirt, as usual?

There's that stupid doubt again. How lame

And, well then it'd just be usual. And he'd understand, probably just laughing it off and telling me it was alright. Besides, Riku won't ever leave me again. He promised.

And after everything, why would something like this bother him? Exactly! It wouldn't!

It'll just really suck if he doesn't feel the same.

But I think Kairi is right, I'm never going to know unless I try. Soooo I'm gonna invite him to spend the night Friday, and if the next two days go okay, and he doesn't seem all weirded out when I sit close or touch him more, then I think I'll step it up. On Friday I mean. Maybe.

If I don't crap my pants. (It's not my fault I'm prone to that in nerve-racking romantic situations!)

As I'm walking home, cogitating (Kairi taught me that word the other day after I asked her what it meant because she said Riku cogitates too much), here comes the new found object of my affections.

Poop.

Act natural, Sora!

"Riku! Hey!" I wave, walk/running up to him. He looks pretty surprised, and I can tell he was just having a major 'I'm Riku and I'm all mysterious and cogitating' moment. So, naturally, I grin like an idiot and attack!

"Attack the moping Riku, he must go down!" And before he can say another word, I'm on him like white on rice, knocking him to the ground and straddling his abs.

Man they're solid.

No, Sora. Not now. Friday. Friday.

He smiles up at me, pushing me off him. "Fine, fine, jackass. And I wasn't moping," he says, and I roll my eyes, pulling him up. "What are you doing, anyway? I thought Kairi had a paper for you to write."

I blink stupidly. What is he talking about?

Oh, yeah.

Cue the mental bonk on the head.

"Well I got out of it because I didn't 'feel good.' Heheh!" I laugh, knowing it's a complete lie.

He looks at me like he _knows_ it's a complete lie.

"Okay," he shrugs, apparently brushing it off. "Wanna go play video games instead?"

Guess he's just gonna let it slide. Major relief for me... Go Sora! Good days!

So unlike those bad ones when I didn't have him.

"Yes! My house or yours?"

"Well, your's is two houses down..."

I can feel myself blush.

But opportunity!

"Alright, my house it is then!" I grab his hand and start running, "Maybe mom will have dinner ready and you can eat with us!"

"Sounds... uh... great!" I hear him half call.

ooo

I'm Riku, I hate natural reactions, and I'm blushing.

Because he's_ holding my hand_.

* * *

A/N: Sorry so short, (and sorry Sora is so A.D.D., but he just came out that way!) but if I had included the rest it would be a much to long chapter. But AHHHHH the sweetness! It burns my teeth tingly! Got to love pessimistic Riku. Makes you want to squeeze him.

Please show some love, you wonderful lovely people! Tell me how you like it!

Much love.

Update: 4-3-08 -I'm totally aware of how much this story blows now. Geebus. Anyway, just added a few things to help this make more sense and not seem like a retarded four year old with romance issues wrote it. Hopefully spelling/formatting mistakes are fixed. Enjoy.


	5. Two Thinkers

As I pack my bag this morning before school (going straight to Sora's right after to spend the night), I can't help but think about just how _weird_ these past few days have been. And I don't really mean weird in a bad way, because if I really think about it, it's all in a good way...

But, take for example the other day when Sora grabbed my hand and dragged me to his house; trust me when I say that this is not something normal. We're _guys_. We don't hold hands. It's some sort of unspoken male rule. So my heart did flip-flops and all that... But then I just had take a step back and realize that this is _Sora_ and he gets _excited_ and he doesn't think sometimes.

And he sure as shit didn't mean it in the way that I wanted him to.

So it's a few hours before his mum has dinner ready, and we decide to play some video game or other (of course I completely owned his soul the entire time... Okay, so _maybe_ I let him beat me _once._ Or twice. Maybe more than that. Shut up!) and instead of taking his normal seat on the far side of the couch, he dominates the entire middle of it.

I can tell you exactly how many times our knees knocked and how many times a playful smack on my shoulder lingered for unusually long. 24 and 14, respectfully.

So, I'm thinking this is a little strange. Is Sora trying to figure out how comfortable he is around guys? _Flirting_ with guys?

Am I just his _flirt toy?_

Youch. That one stings a bit.

But it doesn't end there. He sits next to me instead of across from me at dinner, and I could swear he kept looking at me funny, but I could never quite catch the little twerp in action. I chatted with his mum and dad, and Sora would interject something ridiculous every now and then.

And, of course, when his grades came up, the rest of his food went in his mouth and that was over.

But the strangest thing of all was when I left after dinner to go do homework.

_"Riiiiikuuuuu don't leave! You still owe me a rematch in Street Fighter! I __**know **__you were cheating!"_

_I sigh. Tonight has been rough enough on my stomach (fucking butterflies, again), as well as my emotions (really Sora, a __**flirt toy**__?) and I actually do have a paper to write on some book I haven't read._

_"Sora, for the millionth time, I was so not cheating. You just totally suck at that game." I smirk, ready for the kill. "Besides, I don't even have that game and yet I **still** kick your ass."_

_He 'hmphs' and suddenly I'm faced with indignant Sora. And, actually, I've had that game forever... But he doesn't need to know that.  
_

_"I do __**not**__ suck-" But Sora, I think you might think you do, "at Street Fighter. I beat you at least ten times! Even though you were __**cheating."**_

_"Psh. Was not."_

_"Were too."_

_"Now you're just stalling." I smile. It's nice that he wants to keep me around, if only because he gets bored at the drop of a hat and needs some Riku to keep him entertained._

_"So maybe I am. Pleeease don't go Riku, it's just a dumb paper! I didn't do my paper the other day, remember?"_

_"And what is your grade in that class, Mr. Smart?"_

_"... Shut up, Riku," He looks away, embarrassed. Damn, he is so adorable. He brightens suddenly though. "But you'll stay Friday, right? Stay the night I mean! I want to go see that new movie and then get ice cream then we can come back here or go to the island or see what Kairi is up to-"_

_"Rambling, Sora," I say, interrupting. What's interesting is that first part sounded pretty much like he was asking me on a date._

_What am I, some sort of boy-toy practice? Ugh. _

_But maybe it __**is **__me he's interested in. But after all I put him through, how could he ever feel that way about me?_

_Depressing. Gonna have to journal when I get home._

_"Besides," I continue, "That sounds kinda like a date." I smirk at him, knowing to expect his face to turn pink._

_But the flaming red wasn't quite expected._

_"NO! It's.. erm... not a date. Can't two guys go see a movie and get some ice cream without it being a date? You know how I am about action movies. I need sugar right after." He says, scratching the back of his head, smiling. "Besides, it's been forever since we've hung out by ourselves. Without Kairi or anyone, I mean. Is it so weird to want to spend time with your best friend?"  
_

_Crap. Not even practice toy... Just a friend. Always a friend._

_Can't you be gay for __**me**__, you oblivious little dumb head?_

_'Dumb head?' Shit. Sora must be rubbing off on me._

_I ruffle his hair a little, despite myself. "Dude, we just spent **hours **doing shit together. I think 'forever' is slightly over doing it." I say, teasing him. He only rolls his eyes at me._

_"C'mon, Ri, you know what I mean. I just wanna... have a guy's night." He says_

_"Yeah, sounds good," I shrug, still feeling a little down. I force on a smile. "You don't have to convince me to hang out with you, by the way. Just because you're a dork doesn't mean I don't wanna hang out with you. But I really gotta get home now. I'll see you at school tomorrow." I say, giving a slight wave as I start to turn.  
_

_But before I can make it all the way around, he grabs me in a bear hug - something, I must mention, is __**very**__ unusual - and then yells out 'BYE!' before slamming the door in my face._

_My face which is very red. And my body which is all tingly from the Sora warmth that he always seems to radiate._

_And then I turn to go attempt to do work, Sora all over my mind with depressing thoughts about how I'm just __**practice.**_

And now, Friday morning, I'm packing up. I hope he doesn't try all this again, because I don't know if my stupid heart can take anymore mild attacks.

Maybe I should talk to Kairi about this. That incident the other day seemed a bit too suspicious to me.

ooo

There I am at the bus stop, cogitating again. I hope I'm not turning into Riku.

But talk about things being really hard lately! (Hehehehehe!) Can you imagine having the biggest crush you've ever had, and having to avoid glomping that crush on a daily basis because it's your best friend and it would scare him and send him running the other direction?

Well, that's what's going on with me. And it major sucks. Big time.

He's just so _hot._ And I still can't believe I'm saying this about _Riku_. Riku, who I grew up with. Riku who I've wrestled with, swam with, been to hell and back with.

And more importantly, _my _Riku. I'm gonna have to have a little chat with Tidus about this whole checking out Riku thing. Cause that's so not cool, especially when he knows that I have a way bigger crush on Riku then he could ever have in his whole life ever.

_Ever_.

I mean, the other night when I had him over for games and stuff, I tried out some things. Just little touches. And once I started I couldn't stop! He would just look so cute sitting there, all serious and pissed when I beat him, or triumphant and cocky when I lost (stupid Riku, why is he so good at stuff?), and I just couldn't help smacking him and then touching him just a _wee_ tiny bit longer.

I mean, can you blame me?

And every time our knees touched, it was like electricity or something. It would just get so hot... in a weirdly pleasant way. Though sometimes Riku would look at me like he knew I was doing it all on purpose, with his eyebrows all furrowed and his face scrunched up.

But most of the time it was hard to tell because of his stupid hair that's soooo long. I know it's weird, but sometimes it's hard to resist like... petting him or something. Yesh, I'm getting so _weird!_

And I get so excited about Riku's reactions, but then I remember that Riku is so ungay it's not even funny, and that this will probably lead no where.

Maybe I could turn him gay?

Gah, no Sora. You're so stupid sometimes.

Well, anyway, the best was saved for last! Well, I guess the most awkward was saved for last... When I hugged him.

So it's normal for me to tackle him, or grab him unexpectedly into a tight behind bear hug where I try to pick him up (and succeed, thank you!), but it's practically never that I actually get to hug him for real.

But when I did, even for that brief second, it was like my face exploded. Literally, I was probably as red as I've ever been in my whole life.

So I slammed the door in his face. Super smooth, right?

I wonder if I'm being too weird? But I just can't help it anymore! It's like when I used to like Kairi (maybe I am bi? But I don't look at boobs anymore... Hm.) and I was always wanting to sit next to her and stuff.

Come to think of it, it wasn't that unusual for all three of us to hold hands. I wonder if Riku would mind if I really _held _his hand again. He just seems a little skittish still.

Am I being obvious? Does he know I'm gay?! Does he think it's weird? Shit! Shit!

"Okay, Sora, you need to chill. This is absolutely ridiculous. Stop thinking so dumb! Of course Riku's not-"

"I'm not what?"

Oh, shit! Oh, there goes my stomach.

Bright smile.

"Hey, Riku! What's up?"

He looks at me like I'm silly, smiling slightly. I'm not sure if I resent that look.

"I'm waiting for the bus." He's standing pretty close, and I think I like it. "So what movie do you want to go see tonight?"

I scratch the back of my head, thinking fast about what movies are out and which one would be good. But then I have a brilliant idea! Turn the question back on him.

"I was kinda gonna see what you were interested in."

He looks thoughtful for a moment, then gives me a small smirk.

"I thought our _date_ was your idea. So _you_ should get to choose the movie."

"You guys are going on a date!" Oh, greeaatt Kairi, perfect timing. Thank you for walking up at this exact moment.

Riku looks extremely amused, "Oh _yes_ Kairi, Sora and I are going on a _date_ because we _love_ each other." Then he gives her some funky look that I have no idea what it is.

She blushes horribly though. "O... Oh. Sorry, I guess I was just... I was... Um, I misheard? Sorry I didn't get the joke."

I can feel myself sag. I don't like that joke very much.

It's not funny at all.

ooo

Sora looks like a kicked puppy.

Well, whatever. Just because I'm his date-buddy whatever thing so he can practice being gay... He deserves to feel like that.

I sigh internally. He doesn't really deserve that. Sora never deserves to hurt.

"So what are you guys doing tonight?" Kairi asks, then sees my extra bag. "Riku staying over?"

Sora seems to brighten, just the smallest bit. "Yep! We're gonna go see some movie - I haven't decided which one yet, though - and then I'm gonna kick his ass at every game he brings on!"

At this I can't help but chuckle.

"Who won the battle the other night, _So-ra?_ Was it you, because I really don't recall. Maybe you could remind me?"

He glares at me in the small way Sora is capable of glaring.

Nowhere near the Riku Death Glare of Hell.

"Riku, once again, you suck."

And, once again, Sora, yes, I do in fact _suck_. On whatever you like.

I shake my head, hard. No thoughts like that at least until ten in the morning.

The bus. Thank god. Now I can go comatose listening to music while Sora chats with everyone under the sun.

But today is different. I watch him out of the corner of my eye, and he's staring out the window, looking like he's thinking.

I bite back a pang of hurt when I realize he's probably thinking of his crush.

You know, the person that _isn't_ me.

But as long as he's happy, so am I. Or at least, I think as I look down at my hands, that's what I'd like to believe.

Most of the day after the bus stop incident passes pretty easily. I make my way to lunch, waiting for Sora by his locker. He smiles in greeting, and we walk together, him complaining about some pop quiz or other.

We wait in line for food, going back and forth as usual like guys do. We sit down, and that pre-meal quiet sets in, and I'm feeling content to be eating with my best friend, and, unfortunately, my secret love.

Secret love? How soap opera. Lame.

Anyway, everything is going fine. And then Sora, mid-bite, actually puts his food down and looks at it, blushing slightly before looking up at me.

"Riku, can I ask you some stuff without you making fun of me?"

I give him a look. He knows he can ask/tell me anything... Which is one of the reasons I'm so irritated that he won't tell me he's _gay_. Kind of a big deal, Sora.

"Sora, you know you can tell me whatever you need to."

He sighs, takes a deep breath, and out comes in a gust, "Haveyoueverkissedanybody?"

Did I hear that correctly?

"Come again?"

He blushes insanely.

"WHAT?!"

Huh?

Oh. Hahaha! Come again. Look at him all flustered and cute.

I swear he's like one of those really cute puppies that you want to squeeze _so_ hard, but you know you can't because it would hate you forever or possibly even die.

Which would be really bad.

But anyway.

"Sora, don't be an idiot. I didn't hear what you said." I say, flicking my balled up napkin at him from across the table. It bounces off his head and his face flushes a second time.

"Have you ever kissed anyone, Riku?"

Hm. Now there's something I wasn't expecting. And yeah, I guess it's a little embarrassing but, "No. I didn't exactly go make out with Maleficent or the heartless," my appetite suddenly dissipates, "And no one here really interests me that much."

He frowns, and looks a bit sad.

"You don't like _anyone_ here enough to kiss them?" He asks, sounding a little weird. I can't quite put my finger on where he's going with this.

I sigh. "Sora, did Raquel put you up to this? Because seriously, she needs to get over all of this because I'm not interested."

Should I blow Sora out of the water? I mean, I have been complaining because Sora hasn't told me he's gay. So what's the harm?

Plus it'd be funny to see him react.

"In fact, just go on and tell her I'm gay, thanks." I take a bite out of my sandwich right as soda sprays all over the table and my face.

Well, not the hilarious reaction I was hoping for, since it got me all sticky.

"What? Riku, are you really _gay_? And since when does that girl have a crush on you? You're GAY? Seriously, you really have to tell me! Right _now!_"

His voice had started as a whisper, and then got to normal volume, and by the time he finished he was almost yelling. Good thing we were eating outside today.

I face him calmly, but inside I'm falling apart because I know he thinks it's weird, and I know it's going to change us forever.

What if he asks me not to stay over?

"One," I start calmly, "Could you hand me some napkins? Thanks. Two, yes, I really am gay. As in I don't like girls. And three, Raquel has had a crush on me since I got back and probably before that too."

Why the fuck did I think it was a good idea to tell him?

I get my napkins, and feel like I want to cry. Though I'm not going to, since I don't actually think I can anymore.

I look up, and Sora has sat himself back down with a smile on his face and mouth half full of sandwich. He grabs my hand, which is trying to wipe up some of the mess he made, and holds it firmly.

Oh all that cheesy shit happening in my body. Electricity, the works.

"Riku, that's not a problem for me. You just caught me off-guard. After all, you're like the most ungay person I know... So you can see why I'm surprised." He says, very soothingly. I almost think his thumb is trying rub gently over the back of my hand. Before I can investigate the feeling, he's let go.

I ask him tentatively, "So you don't mind me staying over still?"

He smiles, then laughs at me outright. "Why would I? I mean, I know I'm _so_ irresistible and all, but I hardly think you're gonna try anything with me."

Unfortunately, Sora, I won't. Because I'm scared to.

No more shocks for me today. I laugh at the joke he made on himself while simultaneously agreeing with the fact that he is irresistible.

But I think I'm done with lunch now.

Sora isn't though. Another bite, another mouthful conversation.

ooo

In my head: He's gay, hurray! Riku's gay! Hurray! He's gay, hurray!

And the best part is that he's totally serious, cause if it were a joke he would have made it around more people. Besides, gayness isn't funny to joke about and he'd have to face me and Tidus on that one.

Gah, I'm even grouping myself with Tidus now.

But back to the action.

"Hey Riku," I say, mouth still half-full of potato chips, "I decided what movie I wanted to go see."

He raises his eyebrows at me, looking tired. Don't be tired Riku!

"Don't talk with your mouth full," He says, looking all mopey. "What did you decide on?"

Mopeyness will not do at my lunch table.

I look at him sheepishly, noticing for the first time just how much soda I splattered on him.

"Sorry about that."

"Huh?

"About the soda, I mean." I say.

"Oh," he says, looking down at his shirt. "No big, I don't have an extra uniform shirt but there's only two periods left. I'll just shower when we get to your house."

Please do!

Can I come too? Damn, how did I not notice how awesome he was before? Not only is he the coolest person and my best friend, but he's also got an amazing body.

And though I'd never tell him this, cause he'd probably shit a brick, I just can't help but think he's so _pretty_.

"But I want to go see that new slasher movie, you know the one with that guy who's got the mask and the various knives?"

I know what's coming next, because I inherently hate slasher movies because they remind me too much of how many heartless, how many things I had to kill. And even if they were evil, all that killing can get to you.

I wonder how Riku deals with it?

"Sora, you _hate_ those kind of movies."

I know, that's why I can cuddle up with you! (Kairi's idea when I told her about my indecisiveness with the movie situation. She's super-smart.)

"But I reaaaaallly wanna see this one," I say, watching him roll his eyes and mumble a '_whatever_.'

"It starts at like seven so we'll eat before we leave." I say, finishing off my food and grabbing my books. "But sixth period is about to start so we better get going!"

And with that he goes to calculus and I'm off to hell... er... history.

And with my new found knowledge, I think tonight might actually work in my favor. So I'm whistling the new song I made up, running the words in my head.

_'He's gay, hurray! Riku's gay, hurray! He's gay, hurray...'_

_A/N:_ Well, this came out quite a bit faster than I expected it to. Sorry it's a transition chapter! I hope you enjoyed it anyway. Leave some feedback, if you would like, it really does speed me right along in the writing department!

Much love.

Update, 4-7-08: Fixed everything up, especially that major thing where suddenly Riku's daydream turned into Sora's thoughts. Yikes. How did I miss that before? Anyway, also caught a few more errors, etc. I'm just trying to clean up this sorry piece of shit.


	6. Jealous

I have to admit, after school I was a complete and total wreck-ball of super nerves. I mean, this is a lot of pressure! Riku actually told me he was gay, how am I supposed to control myself when I know it wouldn't _totally_ freak him out?

But then again I guess it would be kinda weird for your best friend of a million years to just lean over in a movie and make out with you. So I can't do that to him yet.

This is still all so confusing. When I start thinking about how the last few days have gone... it just seems so... I dunno... Not _real!_ It's so strange-but-not-strange to see Riku the way I see him now. Maybe it's because of some subconscious thing or something... maybe I've been looking at him like this for a long time without really thinking about it.

I'm more of a doer than a thinker! Which is probably _why_ I'm so discombobulated when it comes to all this... this stuff.

Gah! How is it that I can actually know so much yet still be **so** confused about what to do? This is so DUMB!

Riku's in the shower right now, and I have to admit it's really hard not to just go in there and take a peek. Seriously, what is wrong with me lately? Do my hormones just have a kinda switch that got flipped when I realized I was gay?

_That's_ still kinda strange too. Being gay.

I look at myself in the mirror, and stick my hand out to myself, smiling. "Hi, my name's Sora, and I'm gay!" Yikes, weird. But I laugh all the same, because hey, it's funny!

Okay, so maybe I'm a little bored because my entertainment is in the shower.

But I'm just trying not to think too much about... stuff anymore, because it makes me really sad.

Like this morning, when Riku made a joke to Kairi about tonight being a 'date.' Which, I guess, to me it is, even if he doesn't know it. When he said that, it felt so mean (even though he had no way of knowing anyone would take it as anything other than Riku being his hilarious butt-head self) that I kinda wanted to find a corner and mope in it, pull a Riku or something. I dunno why it got to me so hard.

I guess it was just because he was making a joke and being super sarcastic about something I want _so_ bad.

Just to be with him.

And then at lunch... when he said he was gay... he also said there wasn't _anybody_ that he wanted to kiss. Not Tidus, not Kairi, not _Raquel_ (whom I no longer like), and certainly not stupid lanky best-friend Sora sitting right across from him.

But at the same time... I just _know_ I could make him happy. I could make him as happy as he makes me, if he'd just let me. I can see how sad he gets sometimes, when he thinks nobody's looking.

It's like... for those moments when I was a heartless, I could feel it. I could feel the darkness curling in on me like some kind of slimy disease. It felt like being choked, being deprived of something really necessary. I guess... it was the heart... being... heartless. All I wanted was to feel something good again, because it felt like I was only living the half of life that hurt.

And I know Riku broods and deals in his own way, but he spent years in that place. I dunno how he's even still sane.

And Kairi says he did it for me.

He didn't even want to come home. He didn't think I'd still love him...

See why I'm trying to distract myself from thinking? Time to perk up! So, sucks for you Riku, because I'm not letting you go now. I can make you happy, you stupid jerk, and you will let me because I think I'm in love with you!

...I'm so nervous! Because I do, I care about him _so_ much and he is the most amazing person. And how do I make him fall in love with me?

I look into the mirror again. Time to give myself a pep talk.

It's always during pep talks that I miss Donald and Goofy the most.

Gah! No more sad thoughts, dammit! Pep, pep!

"Okay Sora, you're a moderately attractive guy. And if you listen to Kairi, you've got that whole... bleh... _cute, innocent_ look going on. And if girls are attracted to it, maybe gay guys are too? You can do this! Just... do what comes natural. Follow your heart."

I hear someone grunt from behind me, and when I look in the mirror again, I have to stop myself from drooling.

"Seriously, Sora, people are going to think you're crazy for talking to yourself in the mirror." He says, smirking lightly as he holds his towel up around his waist.

He's still basically dripping wet, getting my carpet all sopping, which mom will bitch about in the morning, but at the moment I'm a little too distracted to care.

How does he stay so pale? It does't make sense.

Oooh, and his nipples are all perky and tight. I wonder if they would move if I went over and flicked one.

"Um... Sora? You've completely zoned out man. You look a bit flushed, too." He looks at me, slightly concerned.

It's not my fault he makes me almost pass out with his hotness.

I guess now that I'm really checking him out, it's just Riku-hotness overload.

"Uh, yeah, sorry... I'm a little out of it. We had a pop quiz in history and it really kinda shit on my day, you know? My brain feels like fried chicken."

He looks at me funny, raising one smooth eyebrow, "Fried chicken?" He says with a smile as he puts his boxers on underneath the towel. I feel myself blush... it was kind of a stupid analogy.

But he's one to talk! His boxers have freaking _puppies_ on them

"Yup, fried chicken. Oh, and nice puppies." I chuckle to myself.

He blushes lightly. Ha, take that, Riku!

"Shut up, man. They were from Kairi, and besides, it's just underwear. No one's really going to see it."

"Except me, since you like to strip in front of me so much." I laugh slightly, grinning.

"Nah, Sora, you've never gotten the full strip tease. Besides, technically I'm actually _getting dressed _so I think you're a little confused there." He's blushing a bit still, but manages a smirk, "Besides, you just _wish_ I'd strip down for you."

Actually, I think I might enjoy that. A lot. And I guess I get lost in my head for a second, because the next thing I know, Riku is twirling a towel around, smirking evilly at me.

Shit! Rat tail towel attack!

I got so distracted by Riku-in-boxers I failed to notice the tightly rolled towel aiming squarely for my unprotected ass!

Shwooo-puuup!

"Owwwww!! RI-KU! You are SO paying for that!" I wince, rubbing my sore behind, more than slightly irritated by the fact that despite the school pants, it still hit hard enough to sting.

And he's just laughing his ass off, trying to put on his jeans, standing on one foot.

Opportunity!

Before he knows what's hit him, I ninja-sneak up beside him and give him a little push. Tangled in his jeans, there's no way he can withstand the power of the one-legged push-over!

Bwah!

Sora wins!

Funnily enough, he doesn't retaliate or get pissed off, he just starts laughing harder. He's actually laughing so hard he can't get up or breathe, and there is one thing you should understand about Riku's laugh.

It's absolutely fucking hilarious.

It's not like when he chuckles, because that's all deep and sexy. But when he thinks something is really, really funny (which is very rare), he starts sounding like a dieing donkey.

Huh-huh-heeeee-huh-huh-heeeaww-huh-huh!!

So you can understand that right now I'm laughing at him laughing and we're both looking like crazy people, especially cause he's still only got one leg in his pants and I can't stand up anymore and have collapsed sorta close to him.

When the laughing kinda subsides, and Riku's laughs get back to the deep sexy chuckle, we just lay there content and trying to chill out. Suddenly I can hear him rustle with his jeans, I guess succeeding in getting them on because he stops and says, "You know something, Sora?"

I glance over, and he's sitting up smiling at me. My heart is absolutely swelling full to burst. "Whazzat, Riku?"

"I haven't laughed like that since before we left."

I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing. But his smile is so genuine, that I guess it's a good thing.

"Well, Riku," I say, sitting up and standing to stretch, "I'd say you need to laugh more often!" I smile here, looking over at him. "What got you laughing so hard in the first place?"

Hey, I'm curious. I like seeing Riku happy.

"You," he says, his smile shifting back to a smirk. "You're such a damn pansy. You had pants on and everything and you still squealed like a girl when I hit you! Haha, it was priceless. And then I guess when you pushed me over in retaliation I just lost it, because it was such a four year old thing to do." He's chuckling louder now, but at least he's putting a shirt on so maybe I can think more clearly.

"I resent that! First of all, I _don't_ squeal, and I'm definitely not a pansy. Plus that was a cheap shot with the fucking towel! Who still does that anyway? What are we, twelve and in a locker room? And my move was not a four year old move! It was clever and you were vulnerable!"

He's just shaking his head at me and I'm feeling really indignant (another word Kairi told me the other day when she told me that the dude we were reading about would be indignant if he knew that I thought he was just some fat old stupid guy).

"Sora, Sora... You gotta learn to be more sly and cunning like me. You never even saw my attack coming, however, I knew yours was on its way."

"Well if you _knew_ mister smarty butt-face, then why didn't you do anything?"

He smiles again, very lightly this time.

"Because it was funny and I wanted to see if you'd do what I thought you were going to do. Plus you aren't sneaky at all."

He's just going all over me, and **SO** not in the way I want him to be.

"Shut up. You're ticking me off, you jerkwad." But I'm kinda smiling all the same, because when Riku's happy, I guess it just kinda flows on over to me.

"Whatever Sora. Game time?"

Oh, sweet, now I can finally take that cheating bastard out!

"Hell yeah!"

ooo

As we sit and play games, with him all in the middle of the couch _again_ and driving me _crazy_ with his touches, I can't help but think about how happy I am just sitting here with him. I wonder what he meant about "Follow your heart" when he was talking to himself?

But following my heart has gotten me to a really good place here lately.

Telling him about my... preferences, was probably the best thing I've done in a long time. It was almost like coming out of the darkness and back home all over again. Coming back to Sora again.

In both those moments, I'd thought I had lost my best friend because of my own mistakes. Well I guess being gay isn't so much a mistake, but damn if the other decisions I made weren't.

Which is why I just don't think he could ever love me. I know he's my friend, but I don't think he wants what I want, even if we are both gay and best friends.

I mean, how could he? I'm so... tainted.

God, sometimes I can still feel the sickness crawling on my skin, bleeding out of and into me. And I can hear _his_ voice, hissing silky smooth in my ear that I should focus my rage and destroy Sora. And I tried to.

I tried to _destroy _my best friend, and the only one I ever have loved or ever will love. What the fuck is wrong with me?

_And I chose that._

But at least I realized how stupid I was being. But there was no way I could come home... come back to him, and expect him to take me in his arms and tell me it was okay.

Yet when he found me, that's exactly what he did. He cried for me, he'd looked for me.

I just... hadn't wanted to be found.

And then I am whacked in the face with a pillow.

"RIKU! I can hear your thoughts, and they aren't happy. So quit!" Sora frowns. "Besides, it's not _fair_ if you're not concentrating, because then I win for no reason!"

I smirk.

"I was still beating you and you know it."

"Riku, you are a liar and a turd."

"... A turd?"

"Yes, a turd." He says, very matter-of-factly. God but he's cute.

Beautiful, really. But I'd never tell him that.

I glance at the clock on the wall, and apparently Sora does the same.

"Well, it's only like five. Wanna grab something to eat then walk to the beach?"

My rumbling stomach answers for me. Hey, I didn't eat much at lunch, okay?

So it's down stairs to the kitchen where we completely rape and pillage the fridge and pantry for left-overs. My dinner ended up being lasagna with potato chips and strawberries.

Trust me, you don't even want to know what Sora ate.

Actually, I just don't want to think about it.

So now, thirty minutes later, we're walking the two blocks from Sora's to the beach where the boats are tied. I guess we'll just look out at the island.

But when we get there, I suddenly feel tired and just plop down on the dry sand, laying back with my arms out.

I can hear him chuckle at me as I lay there.

Shit, I forgot I'm gonna get sand all in my hair. Oh well.

"Tired much Riku? Besides aren't you afraid your precious hair will get sand in it?"

I snort.

"Sora, you're so clever I can't even stand it." I say, words smothered in sarcasm.

But he's adorable all the same. And it makes me laugh, even if only on the inside, because he knows exactly what I was just thinking.

He sits down next to me and lays there, and we just watch the sky as the sun starts to set and the colors splay brilliant red orange purples against the clouds.

And to think, I would have missed this so much.

Missed_ him_ so much. I'll never have him the way I want, but I'll take what I can get.

I grab his hand, and he flinches in the slightest. I sigh.

"Remember, before everything started, we used to lay on the beach like this? Kairi, you, and I. Back before Kingdom Hearts, before everything got all... broken."

He gently squeezes my hand. He understands what's going through my head.

"Yeah, I remember. We can stay here a while, the previews will take forever. Besides, I wanna see the sun set! It's so pretty."

I glance over at him, looking at his smile and his eyes focused on the sky.

"Yeah, it is."

ooo

How is it that two completely emotionally retarded and oblivious people can get more gay action in five minutes than I've gotten in my entire career of being homosexual?!

I continue walking, leaving Riku and Sora holding hands on the beach behind me, feeling ridiculously frustrated.

I just don't understand my luck.

And I wish he would understand me better. We've been friends since we were little, and when Riku and Sora were gone doing whatever, he and I became even closer.

Then one day I realized why that accent that never went away always sent chills up my spine when I heard it. I realized why I looked forward to seeing him every day, to practicing blitz with him, and then why I was always blushing so much in the guy's locker room.

I fell in love with my best friend.

Unfortunately, I don't seem to have such a happy ending on the horizon, considering how he took the fact that I was gay.

God, I'm not thinking about this right now. Just keep walking, Tidus. Maybe Kairi can hang out some?

I miss him so much.

Why won't he just talk to me?

ooo

My heart is pounding, and I'm happier than I think I've ever been.

Because Riku is holding my hand, and the sky is beautiful.

And Riku's_ here_. With me.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the lack of humor. I'm just feeling really down, and I don't know, in one of those funks. I know people like this story, which makes me happy, so I'm writing it, because it makes me happy too, but man am I just feeling like shit. Things get better next chapter.

Besides, the angst had to come up sometime, didn't it?

**Update: 4-12-08** Just fixed some things that had been bothering me, added a sentence to the Tidus section... I'm taking a certain review to heart and trying to develope that side relationship a bit more.


	7. Part One

If I still had circulation in my hand, I would probably still feel the tingle of Sora's palm in mine. However, due to Sora being stupid and picking a movie he knew he would totally freak out while watching, I can't feel anything from my forearm down.

"Sora," I whisper, "I think my arm is turning blue."

His other hand is half-covering his eyes, waiting for the bad guy to come out and completely annihilate the idiot girl hiding in the closet.

"Don't care." He whispers back.

As the door rips open and the girl screams, I suddenly find that Sora is full-on hugging my arm with his head buried in my shoulder.

I roll my eyes.

But then I feel him shaking.

"Sora? Sora, you okay?" No response. "Quit being such a pansy, man. It's only a movie."

I can hear him mutter. "So... not pansy."

He looks at me, and I can see the fear and darkness in his eyes, and I know it's time to get out of there.

I take him by the arm. "Come on, this movie sucks anyway. Let's sneak into one of the other ones and just forget about this shit."

He is visibly relieved, but I can tell he's still bothered.

I can understand. The movie is hard for me to watch too... After everything I did. But I guess I'm just jaded enough to sit through it.

My Sora is still innocent enough to get scared when people are fake-dieing on a movie screen.

God I love him.

He lets me slide my hand down his arm as we leave the theater, and I take a chance by placing my hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze. It's meant to just be reassurance, but he holds tight and isn't letting my hand go.

"...Sora?"

He shakes his head at me. "I don't care if it looks gay. I'm about to piss myself I'm so scared, and I'm not letting go. So deal with it and let's go see something funny."

Fine with me. I'll take every touch I can get, even if I am just being used every time.

Flirt toy. Comforting big brother.

Agh, damn. I just want to kiss you, you precious little stupid numb skull.

But I don't really deserve that.

Okay, Riku, now is not the time for moping about Sora. You're with him, aren't you? And I know I'm happy where I am.

So let's sneak past the nerdy movie guy who has major skin problems and straight into that funny movie about some kids on a road trip in Europe.

Wow, does that guy just rub his face in grease? Sick. People should really take care of themselves.

I bet that guy has a crazy 'DON'T OPEN' journal.

Damn, I'm a mean bastard.

"Hey Sora, we gotta dodge pizza-face. I'm gonna tell him some dude is being rowdy in the other theater, and when he runs off we'll sneak in, alright?" I say, knowing that any sort of sneaky plan will probably cheer up stupid standing next to me.

I still can't believe he insisted on seeing that movie. I knew he was gonna do that, I knew it.

But at least it put his hand in mine, if only for a moment. But it's making my stomach do crazy things and that popcorn is so not agreeing with me at the moment.

The movie we're going to see is at the far other end of the theater, and just as I'm letting go of Sora's hand to go talk to the dude at the ticket stand, I see Sora flash a grin.

Uh-oh.

"Hey Riku." He says.

"What?"

"Race ya!"

And off he goes.

And he calls me a cheater? Little twirp.

Even though it's dorky and it'll probably get us in trouble, I speed off after his ass, determined to beat him there.

It's only when I've almost caught up with Sora that I hear the "Hey! What are you guys doing!? You can't go back there! That's not your movie!" And there are heavy, slow footsteps accompanying that.

Suddenly, I feel eleven years old again watching R-rated movies with Sora that we stole from my mom's room.

I've caught up with Sora (HAH! I am the best!) just as we hit the door to the theater, and I kinda half whisper for him to keep running, and he laughs, because he knows we're running from nerd-face.

And in seconds we're in an all-but-empty theater, the door slamming behind us as we run up the hallway toward the rows of seats.

The teen couple in the back is making out (lucky little shits) and the older guy in the middle just laughs at us.

"Get down!" I tell Sora, hearing the door slam and the sound of running feet. We make it up another few rows before I just tackle Sora to the ground, both of us holding back insane laughter as the idiot movie-boy walks right passed our row. I can see him as he comes back again, and we've squished ourselves up against the seats as far as possible so he won't see us.

He's scratching his head probably thinking he's crazy.

Plus, it's so not that big of a deal.

However, it's just now that I realize I still have my arms around my best friend, and I'm holding him tightly against me, and he's laughing his head off.

And this is a moment I'll hold onto. His happy face, laughing in my arms.

God, I'm turning into such a sap, just like him.

When his laughter subsides, he seems to realize he's on top of me. He blushes hard, and looks at me funny for a minute.

But something inside me snaps. It looks like he's going to kiss me!

No! Not like this! I will not let you kiss me just so you can figure out if you're gay, you little ass!

Besides, you can't kiss me. Even if you do like me, I don't deserve you! Fuck!

FUCK!

And as his face comes toward mine I panic, shoving him off, pissed as all hell but trying to play it off like I'm worried about my new jacket getting movie-floor shit all over it (which, well, I am).

But most of all, I'm just confused and hurt and suddenly really tired.

I've made a 180 from the happiest moment I've had with Sora to the most completely crap moment I've had in the past few months.

He's sitting on his butt, looking really surprised and blushing like mad. I pretend not to notice in the dark, getting up and just letting go of how angry I was. After all, it's not gonna get me anywhere, is it?

So I sigh. I lend my hand, and he's half-smiling at me, looking like he's not that comfortable anymore.

ooo

What was I thinking? I almost kissed him!

And he just shoved me off! Did he know I was going to kiss him? DID he?! Oh god oh god oh god...

Oh my god, my stomach is rolling and I'm shaking all over. I feel like I just sweated straight through my shirt! But it was so perfect, me in his arms, on top of him, feeling him all there under me...

Fuck.

Maybe I'm just really wrong about all of this. I just don't get how we could only be best friends if he's gay and I'm gay and I like him! Why can't he just like me back!

Kairi said he would react okay! And now he's just weirded out. Shit, I didn't mean for that to happen tonight! I just... he was right there... and...

"Sora?" I hear him whisper, and he offers his hand to help me up, which I take. I have a pseudo-smile glued to my face so that he doesn't see how awful I feel. "Hey man, let's get a seat. Middle front, right?"

I smile for real this time. Riku always knows what's my favorite. "Yup!"

And for now, it looks like all that just kinda passed away.

Did he just... brush it off?

A part of me still wishes the floor would swallow me.

ooo

He looks just as shocked as I feel, but I'm just gonna let it roll off. Besides, I'm staying with him tonight, and dammit, I'm going to enjoy my Sora time. He is, after all, in high demand.

Because everybody likes Sora.

Just not quite as much as I do.

Except maybe Kairi, but she and I already discussed all of that, and it's been pretty much decided that she thinks he and I are meant for each other.

I'm still not gonna take her advice; telling him would be such a bad idea. Talk about an awkward conversation.

'Hey, Sora, I'm in love with you. Wanna make out?'

'Um... about that... -runs away-'

Yep. That's why that is not happening.

Or he might try to kiss me again because, after all, there aren't that many gay guys on this island, plus he'd want to know how to woo whoever he has his crush on.

Because I'm just practice.

Okay. I'm done thinking about this. I'm with Sora, and now he's acting normal, and there's no touching involved.

And his laughter at the dumbest things in the movie... Well, that only makes me happy all over again.

How the hell does he do that? He's like a magician or something, the way he has such control over me.

And now I'm laughing too.

And part of me is thinking that I could laugh with him the rest of my life.

I feel something devious grow in me as I think about just how I'm going to make him laugh when we get back to his house.

He always did have a soft spot right at the base of his neck. I am going to tickle him mercilessly. After all, I gotta get him back for cheating at the race.

Among... other things.

ooo

I'm feeling amazingly better after the Euro Road Extravaganza or whatever it was called, even though I had that really horrible awkward part with Riku.

We walk out of the theater, not really talking, but it's not all awkward or anything. I still can't believe I almost blew it. I would have totally ruined everything with that, and had to start back from square on and just be his friend.

Operation 'Make Riku Happy' would have been put a little off schedule.

He's such a stupid person. Can't he see how happy he'd be with me? I mean, I'm his best friend, and he already smiles more with me than with anyone else!

Seriously, Riku. Duh!

Okay, but right now we're still just friends. And if I have to stay just friends and take the little touches, maybe I can deal with that.

But maybe I can't! I mean, I almost kissed him back there. Could I really live through the next few weeks... years... forever! without kissing him? Touching him? Squeezing him until he pops? Shit. Maybe I'm screwed and doomed.

But I can make him happy!

Hm. He doesn't look so happy right now. I know he's not that big of a fan of ice cream either... Him and his freakish thing about not eating sweets because he doesn't like them. That's the only thing about Riku that distresses me, really, is the fact that he doesn't like sweet stuff. Who the hell doesn't like ice cream? Freak.

As we pass the beach, I get an idea.

"Hey, Riku?"

He's walking with his hands tucked in his jacket pockets. He kinda glances at me.

"Yeah?"

"You wanna go to the beach instead of getting ice cream? I mean I'm really not in the mood for it right now, and we could build a fire and tell ghost stories like we did when we were kids!" Yes! That's an awesome idea!

He stops in his tracks. "Sora, are you sure you're feeling alright?"

I turn around and look at him like, yeah, stupid, why do you ask. "Yeah, why?"

He cocks an eyebrow at me skeptically. "Since when do you ditch the chance to eat sweets? You're like a freaking sugar-addict, practically. So pardon me if it seems like a weird question, you sugar-hyped dork."

I know he's teasing because his smile is trying to peek out on his face. That smile has been playing peek-a-boo with me all night!

I roll my eyes at Riku, smiling wide at him. "I am not addicted to sugar. I don't need it all the time! Besides, you don't even like ice cream. I'm not subjecting you to two things you don't like in one night."

"Whatever, Sora. You were so the one that chickened out back there." He says, finally popping a grin.

And yeah, he's totally right. That movie scared the shit out of me... and not just because it reminded me of Kingdom Hearts... but because it was freakin' scary!

I really did almost pee myself. I tried so hard not to look like an idiot in front of Riku, but oh well. It's not like I haven't done it before, or that he cares anyway. After all it is just Riku.

And suddenly it's like lightening. I should quit freaking out about stuff to do him. Seriously, Sora! It's just Riku. He's always gonna be here.

"Yeah, so? You wanted to leave that movie too!" I stick my tongue out at him. He laughs and puts his finger in my mouth suddenly, pushing my tongue back in.

He slips it out with a 'pop.'

"Watch it, Sora, or next time I'll yank it out." He grins, and I frown at him.

"That would be so uncool Riku. I'd do something super bad to get you back... Like burn all your clothes and shave your head."

He pretends to shiver in fright, and by now I'm smiling just as much as him, because I suck at comebacks and I know it.

"Whatever, Sora. Hey, there's an outlet just up the block, we'll go to the beach for a little while if you want to." He says, beginning to pick up the walking pace a little and heading in the direction of the beach. I follow behind him, letting him sort of lead.

The stars are awfully pretty tonight.

I hope Donald and Goofy and everyone are okay. I really miss them sometimes, when I look at the sky.

But then I look at Riku, walking a little ahead of me, and I remember that I've got everything I could ever want right here in Destiny Islands.

And I jog to catch up with him, just to feel his presence beside me.

ooo

So after a small walk and twelve worthless attempts to light wet firewood, Sora and I just give up and sit at the edge of the ocean, just looking at the stars and idly talking about random stuff. Most of it is just banter, but I'm content.

Suddenly I'm reminded of sitting on the beach in the middle of the dark nothing, just sitting with him, nothing and no one else anywhere near. I remember thinking that I wouldn't mind staying there, just with Sora.

I'd missed him so much, and wanted like hell to see him again. I knew he was looking for me, but I was so ashamed... And after what I had done, how could he take me back? How could he still be my friend?

People here still don't really know about Ansem and Maleficent, and how I betrayed Sora. They wouldn't understand.

I was just so jealous, thinking I was just tossed aside for some stupid new friends... Thinking he'd forgotten about me and Kairi. He just.. I thought he'd just forgotten. But he never forgot, and he never stopped trying to find either of us.

And he chased me everywhere.

I don't deserve him.

"RIKU!"

I jump slightly, and look at him. He's giving me that look he gives me every time he thinks I'm moping.

I sigh. "Don't even say it. I was just thinking about how, after the battle with Xemnas, we just were sitting on that beach. This just reminded me of that."

He looks thoughtful for a moment, before looking out at the sea.

"Yeah, it kinda does. But there's a major difference, Riku."

I raise my eyebrows, half-smiling. "What's that, Sora?"

"We don't have to wait for the light to show up. We've got it here with us."

I think on that for a second, and realize how true it is.

In spite of myself, I have to make fun of him a little. "Sora, you are such a cheeseball."

"Hey! It's true!" He says, indignant, but only kidding really.

"You know," I start, faltering and thanking the dark for hiding my blush. "Sora, I don't think I would have really minded just staying on that beach with you."

I'm not looking at him, because it's a bit embarrassing, and I hope he doesn't take a jab at me like I did him. I mean, this is my heart. As long as he's here, I'm content.

"I don't think I would've minded either, Riku." He says, and I manage to look over at him, seeing him smiling up at the sky. "But it was nice to see everyone again. Even though it was weird having to go back to school and stuff."

"Yeah," I say, agreeing. "Anyway, let's get out of here before we turn into total girls."

"Riku, you're already half-girl. Just look at your freakin' hair! Plus you're gay, so that's kinda girly too."

That's so retarded. "Sora, you're retarded. Tidus and I are the only gay people you know, and we are totally not girly-"

And so the conversation goes, banter back-and-forth, me whipping out kick-ass remarks and comebacks while Sora just cutely tries to stay in the game.

I love him way too much.

I wish I could be the one to make him happy.

I don't know if I could ever be the one to make him really happy.

But I'm happy now, so fuck it.

A/N: I don't know how much I like this chapter, but it's what came out, so I'm just kind of dealing with it. This is part one of a two part chapter, because I couldn't push out six thousand words right now! Sorry guys. I'm so dead right now. Job+writing+friends Le tired Tanny.

Leave some feedback, tell me how you guys liked it!

Much love.

Shit. I just realized I lost all my formatting. I hope you guys can understand it anyway... ARGH! SO frustrating.


	8. Part Two

Dammit! There is **so** no way Riku is_ this_ good at video games! Look at him, all snarky and smirking... Ugh. He makes me so mad sometimes.

Because he's totally cheating!

I glare at him from across the couch, where I scooted after he beat me for the_ third_ time at Street Fighter. I didn't want to be distracted by touching him because I _really_ had to beat him!

But now I know it. He's cheating.

I don't know how, but he's doing it.

"RI-KU!" Crap, I'm whining... "You're _cheating_! It's not _fair_! I dunno how you're doing it, but you are, and if you don't quit I'm gonna whack you with this controller in the face!"

He knows I'm serious, because I'm staring at him hard. But all he does is smirk back at me.

"Well I figured it was okay to cheat after you cheated back in the movies." He rolls his eyes and his smirk only grows. "I mean, come on_ So-ra_, scared you can't beat me in a race? Had to get a head start?"

"So you _were_ cheating!"

Hey. Wait a minute. Did he just say that I'm slower than him?

"RIKU! I am _not_ slower than you and you know it. Besides, I've beaten you a bunch of times at tons of st-"

And suddenly I am tackled off the couch, to the ground, have my controller unpleasantly wedged between myself and the floor, and am being pinned down.

How all this happens in the span of five seconds? I don't know. Riku happens, I guess.

Gah I feel lame. How does he always do this?

Ooooh. He's got me pinned. Hehe! I'd enjoy this if it weren't for that... damn... gah, no matter how I moved it's still there! ...horrible controller in my back!

"Firstly, Sora, I was not cheating." Were too. He's such a fart-face. "Secondly, you are definitely slower than me as proven by the fact that currently I win. And I will win forever, and you know it. Thirdly, you must be punished for having cheated, because cheating is against the pact of males, for in any battle, in order to truly win, you must be fair. So, now you will be punished."

What?

How is this fair at all?!

Shit! Oh no, he's moving his knees up to my arms... Oh god oh god not this, _please_ anything but **this!** But he's not stopping, and the weight of his knees pushing on my arms is brutal, and no matter how I try to flail my legs I just can't seem to kick him off...

He's straddling the top of my chest, and I can feel him pulling the collar of my shirt down to expose my poor, defenseless upper-chest neck place that I don't know if it has a proper name, and _SHIT_ his fingers are _right there_ and he's going to _do it_ and I'm gonna diiiiieeee!

"_**Riku,**_ come on, let's think about this, is this really necessary man?" I pant, panicking, "I mean, this is _torture,_ Riku! Please don't! Please!"

He looks at me with that superior look he used to give me before we left the island, his grin widening and looking absolutely evil. Bastard.

"Ah, but Sora, fair is fair. You have to take what's coming to you."

And his fingers descend.

AHHHHHH! It tickles _so__bad_ I just want it to stop I want to _kill_Riku because this sucks so hard AHHHHH _please just make it __**stop!**_

"Hahahaha! Riku, s-st-stop! G-g-hahahah-get offfff!" I wail, trying to at least annoy the hell out of him, but from what I can see he's enjoying himself far too much to care.

Damn him for figuring out my tickle spots when we were eight.

"Nuh-uh, Sora. You're not finished yet."

But I feel one of his knees give just the slightest on my right arm. Yes! Fast as lightening (I am _so_ faster than he is) I yank it out from under his fat ass (he's so heavy!) and manage to push him a little and unbalance him long enough for me to free my other arm and shove him over once more. He lands on his side with a thud, and I'm up and running from the game room toward mine, intent on getting there and locking the door until he apologizes for torturing me in cruel and unusual ways for no reason.

He snatches at my foot, but misses (hah!) and I yank open the door and prepare for the two-yard dash to my room at the end of the hall.

Damn but he _is_ kinda fast (though certainly not faster than me)!

ooo

Haha, Sora thinks he can outrun me! Doesn't he realize not only am I taller, but just all around slightly better?

Hehe. I'm such a cocky asshole sometimes.

It reminds me of before Kingdom Hearts... But anyway, back to the action.

He's just ahead of me, and I swear I feel the fabric of his shirt as I swipe at him, trying to get him back on the ground so I can prove that I am faster, better, and not a cheater.

Even though I was totally cheating at that game. What? Sora kept beating me, and, well, I was already ticked enough at him, so I used a few combos I knew he wouldn't know. Besides, I've had that game since before I could walk; I know what's up in Street Fighter.

But he picks up speed just as he reaches his door. Uh-uh Sora! You're not locking _me_ out!

I shove my whole weight against the door right as he tries to close it, and it comes popping open, hitting the wall.

Wha-BAM!

"Wha--"

CRASH.

Pop.

-Wheeeeeeeeeeze-

Oh. Oh, no. Sora, you complete idiot-face dumb ass! You didn't just... my _bed_, my precious _bed..._

Sora is smiling at me sheepishly from on top of my fully made air mattress bed, which is now uselessly deflated on the floor.

"Umm... You shouldn't have tickled me?" He says helplessly, getting up and moving as far away as possible.

My bed! My comfy bed! The bed that has survived multiple sleepovers and was meant to provide me a fucking _place to sleep_ tonight!

Dammit, Sora.

He knows how protective I am of my stuff, and he's made it all the way to the other side of the room, standing flush up against the wall. I cross my arms and glare at him.

"You're gonna pay for that eventually. And I don't mean cash."

He rubs the back of his head, smiling anxiously.

"C'mon, Riku, it's not _that_ big of a deal... It's just a mattress, right? I mean, we can just buy you a new one and it won't be any problem... No need to freak out..."

"Sora, that's not the point," I sigh, uncrossing my arms, walking to his bed, and plopping myself right down on it. I lay across the bed, and tilt my head back to look at him. "Just _where_ am I supposed to sleep tonight, huh? I'm not taking the couch. That thing sucks to _sit_on, much less sleep on. What do you suggest Sora _dearest?"_

He looks like he's thinking for a moment, then looks flushed, like he can't decide what to say.

"You could... Um... you could sleep..."

I'm so taking his bed.

"I'm taking your bed, since it's your fault anyway."

He looks at me, surprised. Then he looks slightly miffed.

"Hey! You can't take my bed! Where am _I_supposed to sleep? Riku! That's not even fair!" He breathes in, eyes moving quickly, "Besides, _you're_ the one that started all this crap by tickling me for a totally gay reason!"

Huh. Interesting choice of words. Unfortunately, they are literally true.

He seems to realize what he says, and flushes when he sees my raised eyebrows and smirk.

"Uh... I mean..."

I laugh a little at him. He's so damn cute and stupid.

"Forget it, Sora." But a little white lie never hurt. "Besides, it wasn't for a _gay_ reason, it was to get back at you for being totally unmanly and cheating back at the theater. Also for acting like a girl while watching the movies. You have to man up, and I'm you're trainer!" I say, emphasizing the last part by frowning and hitting my fist against my chest in a half salute.

Sarcasm is practically radiating from me.

He looks at me for a moment, then bursts out laughing. And I laugh at him laughing, and suddenly we're back where we started right after I got out of the shower and before anything really strange happened tonight.

And it's these moments with Sora that I can't help but love.

When we've finished laughing, I sit up, and look at him, expression suddenly much less full of humor.

"But seriously, I'm taking the bed."

He looks at me, still chuckling (giggling, really), and shakes his head.

"Fine by me, but I'm still gonna be in it!"

Stubborn little shit. I glare at him, re-crossing my arms and sitting Indian style in the middle of his bed, staking claim.

"You didn't hear me. I said _I _am taking _your_ bed. In other words I, your gay friend, will be sleeping in your bed."

Because I'm slightly panicking, because I am sleeping in this bed, Sora or no, but preferably without so I don't do anything stupid.

Maybe I should sleep on the couch?

But then I think of all the shit Sora and I have spilled on it, the time Sora laughed so hard he peed a little on it (he was eight, but still it's funny), all the crap that's built up over the years, and last but not least, how uncomfortable it is.

Hell no I'm not sleeping there. Or the floor. I have allergies.

Which is why I have a damn blow up bed in the first place!

"And_ you_ obviously didn't hear _me._ I'm still gonna be in it," He laughs, "I don't give a crap if you're gay. What are you gonna do, rape me? You've had years, Riku, and if you haven't already then I doubt you're gonna."

Wow, Sora. Just... wow.

I shrug my shoulders. Inside I'm a nervous wreck though. Sleeping in a bed with Sora? This might be a little hard.

"Okay, whatever."

And that's the end of that.

ooo

He's sleeping in my bed! Holy shit! I can't believe it!

Like he'd rape me. Shit! I'm probably going to rape _him!_ What? Crap! I don't even know. I'm excited! I'm nervous... Hurray!

I grin at him, happy I've finally won a verbal argument with this tongue-twisting maniac I call my friend and super-crush.

I'd like to get twisted with his tongue.

Ah! I'm blushing. Stop all naughty thoughts, Sora, they aren't going to help at all and you know it!

I check the time on my watch, and realize some of my late-night cartoons are coming on.

"Hey, Riku, let's go watch some T.V. for a little while then go to bed. I dunno about you but this has been a really long day." I yawn, emphasizing my point. I just want him in bed with me!

Maybe I could cuddle-rape him while he's asleep? Just kinda crawl up there, ease into his arms, and just stay. That'd be nice.

What if I kissed him?

I shake my head really hard. No. Bad Sora, no cookie. We do _not_ rape our friends in any fashion. Ever. Because it's bad.

But is it really _that_ bad? I mean...

Shit. Riku, you're making me go crazy.

ooo

"Okay," I agree, because some cartoons would probably calm me down right now. Just get my mind off of the fact that I can choose between the shitty floor or sleeping with Sora and trying to resist temptation.

Would it be _so_ bad if I just cuddled with him a _little_ while he was asleep? I mean, it's not gonna do any harm.

Maybe. Maybe I'll take the chance.

But for now I'm leading the way back to the playroom (really just a tiny room with a couch and T.V., game systems etc.) and we're sitting down on the couch, with Sora staking out the middle of it again. And, once again, our knees are touching as he sits cross legged, and we're laughing and doing nothing.

And it's pretty nice, I must admit.

But then Sora is turning to me, and asks me a really strange question.

"Riku, how did you figure out you were gay?"

Huh. Weird.

What do I even say to that?

"Um... well... I just kind of figured it out when I started... I guess.. I... Sora!" I shake my head at him. "Why are you even asking me this?!"

He looks down at his lap, and I could swear he's blushing in the dark.

He takes a really deep breath, and holds it, puffing his cheeks out and making him look freaking molestable.

"Well," He starts, slowly letting out that breath, "Well the other day I was talking with Tidus like you know and he said some things and I got to thinking about some stuff and I don't really know well that's a lie I do know but it's weird and complicated and I don't really understand but the point is I think I'm-!"

Come again?

Are you finally telling me, you nitwit?

"You think you're gay, Sora?" I ask, and he nods, not looking at me at all. I sigh, having already known this, but still questioning him all the same. "Sora, dude, you don't just realize your gay because you have a conversation with someone. It goes back a while. You realize that things haven't been right for a while and maybe you've had... feelings... for another guy before, or maybe you noticed how much attention you pay to guys. But Sora, man, it doesn't just come from _talking_ about it with _Tidus._"

He looks up at me, finally, and looks exasperated. "But what if I said I _know_ I'm gay because I have a crush on another guy!"

I look away because inside of me I feel a really deep, sharp pain that I can't identify. It feels like I'm having a small panic attack and someone is stabbing me in the chest simultaneously.

Only because I know it isn't me. If it were, he would have realized he was gay a long time ago... Not just started having a crush on me. And I can't even properly explain how much that hurts. Besides, I can't make him happy, and I won't ever really. Not after all of it.

"Well, then I'd say, maybe you're gay. Or maybe you're bi. Or maybe, Sora, you're just confused."

He sits in silence for a moment, then sighs.

"I don't really wanna talk about it anymore," He says, looking tired. "Really I just wanna finish this and go to sleep. I think you're right, I'm probably just tired and confused."

See? I'm always right, Sora.

"Okay." I say, but then think hard about the conversation we just had. I still want him to know he can always talk to me, but I didn't really act like it just then because I was a little hurt and irritated. "It's okay, Sora. You can always talk to me about anything. Just remember that."

He looks over at me and smiles a little. "I know, Riku. Thanks, man."

"Always."

And so we sit, and we finish Sora's show, and then it's off to brush the teeth, change to pajamas, and go to bed.

I'm wearing a shirt tonight. No half-naked Riku around sleeping Sora, because I think that would just be asking for something bad to happen.

God I can't stop thinking about that conversation we just had. As I'm scrubbing my teeth and filling my mouth with minty foam, I can't help but think about how hurt I was. Not by what he said, but by the fact that I already knew it. That _Tidus_ already knew it. He just didn't tell _me_.

I stop brushing my teeth.

But then again, I didn't tell him about my three year predicament with being gay, (though mostly the predicament is being in love with him) until a few days ago, so maybe I am being a little idiotic.

Yet either way, it still hurts. It's lose all around.

A. I am not the one Sora likes. If I were, wouldn't he have made a move by now? That almost-kiss doesn't count, by the way, because he's still confused and he was on top of another guy for the first time since he figured it out. I probably would have done the same to _Tidus _back in the early days.

B. Even on the scant chance that I am the one he likes, I would never be able to be with him, because I know I can't really make him happy. I couldn't give him what he needs. I never really could... I always came up short.

I don't realize until my mouth starts to sting that I've been holding in the toothpaste-foam-spit concoction in my mouth for about thirty seconds. I quickly spit it out and rinse my mouth out, yanking off my overshirt and leaving on my white undershirt and boxers.

Sora is already in bed, already turned on his side with drool coming out of the side of his mouth. I shake my head and flip off the light, using my ninja skills to navigate to the bed.

"Sora?" I whisper, semi-poking him in the side.

"Wha? Riku? Just get in already. I'm sleeping."

I roll my eyes.

"Move over, jackass."

"Oh, right."

He scoots over and he's instantly out again, gently snoring, this time on his back. As I crawl in, rolling on my side to look at him sleep and squish as far away from him as possible, I just think about how freaking_ beautiful _he is.

And suddenly I'm not so far away from him anymore. The minutes pass, and my breathing becomes harder. I just... maybe I could just steal _one_ kiss. I'll never have him, and maybe I could live with just _once._ Just to pretend that he's mine, and I'm kissing him goodnight, and he loves me and will be in my arms until morning.

And then I'm above him... And I just...

ooo

My tummy feels like it's on fire, I'm so nervous. Riku is brushing his teeth in the bathroom while I pretend to be asleep, because my heart is racing and there is no way I'm getting any sleep tonight.

I hear him come out of the bathroom and the light click off. He pads over to the bed, and I hear him whisper my name and feel him poke me gently in the side. I pretend I'm sleepy, but inside I feel like I just drank twelve cups of coffee.

"Wha? Riku? Just get in already. I'm sleeping."

"Move over, jackass."

Duh, I'm in the middle of the bed.

"Oh, right."

Maybe laying on my back will help my heart calm down. God, this is insane. What was I thinking?

I feel him shuffle around for a while, and then I feel warmth next to me. He must have shifted over in his sleep... I mean, it's been at least twenty minutes (feels like hours, so we'll go with twenty minutes), and he has to have fallen asleep by now.

But then something strange. He's _really_ close now, and I have to force myself to breathe. Is he awake? What is he doing?

And then I feel it.

His lips on mine, soft, gentle, and trembling.

I inhale rapidly, and before I know it, my hands are in his hair and I'm forcing him to stay there, holding him in this perfect moment. He's so gentle, so beautiful, and he's kissing me! Kissing _me_!

But he yanks back fast as lightening and my world is shattered and I'm left with only a strand or two of his hair left in my hands. I sit up fast, but he's already off the bed.

"God, Sora, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I can't... I just..." He looks up at me, backing away. "I have to go!"

And he dashes out of my room, running full-force.

"RIKU!"

I jump out of bed and race after him, but by the time I've gotten downstairs he's out the door, and by the time I get there he's run down the street.

"RIKU! WAIT!" I scream, running down part of the sidewalk.

But then I slow down. Because he's not slowing down.

I can feel myself starting to cry.

"Riku... Come back..."

Tears sting my eyes as I realize what I've done.

I've lost him.

I'll never have him the way I want him, and he'll never let me make him happy.

"Riku... Don't leave me... Not again..."

Oh God, I'm crying.

Fuck.

Fuck.

ooo

He woke up, he kissed me back. He put his hands in my hair.

Shit.

I'm in my boxers and a t-shirt, and I have just fucked up.

I kissed my best friend.

I have no where to go.

Shit.

Shit.

A/N: Whew! What a beast. This baby took a while to write out, and I hope it's okay. It was a little difficult to get started at times, but here it is, and it is what it is. Please review, so that I know you enjoyed it! I really like that I'm on alert and favorites, but I want to hear what you guys have to say. Criticize me, I beg you!

Much love.


	9. Chapter 8: Part 1: Confusion

I sniff again, trying to keep my eyes from watering as the time passes. It's been an hour, and Riku still hasn't come back... And me? Well I've just been half-sleeping and mostly not.

I sit up and rub my eyes, sighing as I realize that in the little sleep I did get, I managed to tangle my sheets up around me like a cocoon. I just can't help but feel so abandoned... He just ran away from me! He's running away from me _again_ and I don't know why. I thought... I thought he wanted it!

_He_ kissed _me!_ Did I miss something?

At that thought I fall back down on my back, curling around into a small ball, trying not to cry. I _hate it_ when he runs from me. What's he got to be ashamed of? Why is he running from me _again_?

I think that's why I can't bring myself to look for him, to chase after him. It'd be just like right after I woke up in too-small clothes all over again. Besides, I know that when he doesn't want to be found... He won't be.

I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting back more tears. It's just... God, Riku, don't have left me again! You _promised_, you promised me _and_ Kairi that you'd never leave again! You _**promised,**_ you jerk!

But even with my fists clenched in anger, I'm crying again, whimpering, clinging to my sheets, missing him next to me, feeling totally alone.

But what can I _do_?

Didn't I do what I was supposed to?

ooo

I really wish I'd grabbed a jacket. Turns out Destiny Islands isn't exactly the warmest place when you're barefoot and only wearing an undershirt and a pair of boxers.

I'm just walking, aimless and dumb, sort of in the direction of the beach. But then I'm reminded of earlier, when things were fine and I was holding hands with Sora, and I don't want to go to the beach and think about him. All that will do is make me think of how unbelievably stupid I am.

_But he kissed you back_.

That's not the point! The point is that I could never give him what he deserves! He deserves to be happy, to live his life without all of this... all this darkness in it. God, but I'm barely able to be his friend and not taint him. And yet despite how hard I try not to let it get to him, sometimes I can still see the darkness in his eyes.

And I know it's me that reminds him of it.

He deserves to be happy.

_He seemed happy to be with __**you.**_

I shake my head. I know my conscious is playing tricks on me. I have no idea how late it is, and I just want to sit down and curl in on myself and disappear. I don't want anyone to miss me, I just want to fade to black, and have all memories of me erased just like what happened with Sora. But I don't want anyone to put me back, because, really, what good have I ever done?

_You helped him. He knows that._

I helped him in penance. When you look at it, I'm still hurting him all the time. I tease him constantly, I'm always putting him down... And I'm mean. Any good I've done is canceled out by all my darkness, all the evil I've done and thought and _been_.

I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do.

I sit down on the sidewalk, trying to clear my head and figure out just where my feet have taken me. I shiver slightly in the dark, thinking about how insane I must look with my eyes blood-shot, my feet bare, and my body half-dressed.

And I'm sitting in front of Kairi's house.

I can't even think. I just have to get inside somewhere and stop acting like a crazy person, get my head clear so I can think about how I can tell Sora that I'm sorry and I'll never do it again.

Tell him I'm sorry I'm in love with him.

Tell him I'm sorry I'll never be with him.

Or just lie and tell him I slipped and fell.

I snort, "Yeah, right, Riku."

And now I'm talking to myself. That's _always_ good.

But the night is cold and closing in on me. It feels too familiar, and too distant, and I just want to erase everything.

I want to cease to be.

But I can't, so now I just have to grow up and deal with my mistakes. Yet again. Here's Riku trying to clean up after himself once more, trying to make things right because he will always hurt the ones he loves.

Fuck. I have to get out of my own head!

I need somebody...

_Kairi._

She's the purest of us all. She's _got_ to be able to help me.

ooo

Clack.

Clack.

Clack clack!

CLACK!

I bolt upright in bed, wondering what in the world is going on right as my window-

**BANG! -tinkle tinkle tinkle-**

-shatters.

I squeal, trying not to scream, knowing I'm safe up on the second floor. I roll out of be and put on my bedroom slippers when I hear, "Sorry!" called up at me from the ground.

Rushing over to the window, I'm only mildly surprised to see Riku in his underwear standing there, looking sheepish. But I can tell from his state that he's much more distressed than anything, so I'm not going to get angry at him about my window right now. Something must have happened with Sora.

I just _knew_ those two wouldn't be able to figure it out for themselves. Riku is so stubborn, he just doesn't listen to anyone.

They're worse than Tidus and Wakka!

I wonder if all gay boys act like seven year olds?

"Riku? What are you doing? Aren't you supposed to be at Sora's?" I ask.

He looks at the ground.

"I... need to talk to you," He looks up at me, pleading. "Let me in?"

I sigh, feeling slightly exasperated with my friend. But I'd do anything for him and Sora, absolutely anything to see them both happy.

"Yeah, I'll be down in a minute, okay? Come around to the back."

He nods up at me, turning to walk to the back.

What in the world does he expect me to say? Did he listen to me _at all_ back on the beach that day? But then, maybe he just needs someone to talk to about everything that's going on. If what happened was that bad, then he probably just needs to be with someone.

I grab a blanket for him and slip on a bra quickly before hurrying downstairs to let him in. I mean, I don't want it to be weird with me just sitting there and everything just... hanging around! Anyway, I sneak quietly down, trying not to wake anyone up, and manage to get to the back door.

I can see him through the glass, and I don't think I've seen Riku look like this since I saw him through the guise of Ansem.

His pathetic attempt at a smile only makes me feel worse for him, and my heart aches as I open the door and hand him the blanket.

"Thanks," He whispers, "Thanks for everything."

"You know I'm always here, Riku. But let's go upstairs and talk, okay? Luckily no one woke up when you broke my window." I giggle a little, finding it somewhat funny. I will have to explain that one in the morning, I know.

We get upstairs to my room, and he sits on the floor immediately, cross-legged, holding his hands in his lap and just looking at them.

"Riku?" I prod, just a little, after letting him sit for a good five minutes. "What's wrong? What... what happened?"

I see his body shake with a heaving sigh.

"I... kissed him. In his sleep. And... and he, well... he woke up. He kissed me back. I ran away."

I look at him, dead-pan. He can't be serious. How is this a problem?

"Riku," I start gently, knowing something about him is fragile right now, "I don't think I understand. What's the problem in all of this?"

He looks at me, and his eyes are almost dead-looking, except for the deep sorrow I can feel pouring from him in overwhelming waves.

"I don't deserve that kiss, Kairi. I don't deserve any of him. I can't make him happy, I can't be his light, I can't be his anything." His voice breaks, and I'd comfort him with touch, but I can sense that isn't what he wants right now. "Kairi, every major decision I've made has revolved around him. And every single one has been wrong! I chose the dark path, and when I found that he'd been able to get around without me, to survive without me, I was _crushed_. It made me realize I was never what made him happy.

"And it isn't because we aren't friends, because we are. It's because of who I inherently _am._ I am a jealous, vain person, and I payed for being that way by going through hell in the darkness - but I'm still that way now, just a little less. I'm still so tainted... The darkness is too much a part of me. My light isn't enough to carry me on sometimes, much less carry someone else too." He stops, and I see a single tear slip down his face. "I'm incapable of making him as happy as he deserves. As happy as he would be with anyone else, even with his other friends. I can't be that. I never could."

As he speaks, my heart breaks for him, and I feel my chest constrict with seeing him, my _strong_ Riku, feeling broken by the weight of his own emotions.

But he doesn't need me to break with him.

He needs me to break him out.

"You're as bad as Wakka! Listen to me, Riku," I say firmly, but softly. "Listen to me now, because I know you didn't listen to me on the beach. Sora _loves_ you. Sora is _incomplete_ without you. Sora wants to _be_ with you," I can feel myself blush, "In a much more than friendly way."

He tries to say something more, but I raise my hand to stop him.

"Just listen, Riku, because I know how you can be when you get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren't really listening to me. You're hearing me, but nothing is getting through to you, so just _listen_.

"You first entered the darkness to save me, and you let your jealousy consume you, sure. But it wasn't just _you_. You were young, you felt abandoned, you were trying to do everything on your own... You've always tried to be stronger than you really are. Which is why you _need_ him. And he wants to be with you! You believe yourself to be so tainted, but Riku, he had to kill too!"

"But he killed for the right reasons!" He hisses, interrupting me. "He didn't do it because he thought he was supposed to be _better_ than me, or anything as stupid and childish as that!"

"Riku! You _were_ a child! We were all just kids, and you were trying to _do everything on your own_! And all that time, Sora just wanted to find you, just like right now! Can't you see that it doesn't matter? Can't you see how _obvious_ it is?"

I'm exasperated, though I've tried to keep calm. Riku is just so _stubborn_ and he has had no real confidence since he got back. I mean, on the outside, yeah, but as far as his heart? He knows he's as fragile as glass.

He shakes his head at me, burying his face in his hands.

"I don't see it, Kairi. I can't."

"Yes you _can_!" I say forcefully, "It's right there in front of you! Sora is your light, Riku, Sora is your other half. Neither of you can live without the other. Not having you by his side when you were helping him, he almost didn't make it! He told me there were times with Donald and Goofy where he just felt tired, like he couldn't go on, and then he'd think of finding you again, and he'd be able to push through. And how did you manage to live through the dark? By thinking of Sora, by thinking of how it was helping him." I sigh, calming down a bit. "Riku, just think of how much he needs you. You woke him up, saved him. You helped him defeat Xemnas. _He wants you._"

He's silent for a moment, and I move off of my bed to sit behind him. I touch his shoulder gently, and he places a hand on top of mine.

"Kairi... It's so... It's just so _hard..._" He whispers, but I can hear the calm that has come back into his voice.

"I know, Riku. I loved him too, once. But you know what to do."

He nods gently.

"I won't run from him anymore," He pulls his hand away and makes to get up. "I won't run."

"Exactly." I say, smiling gently from where I'm sitting on my knees.

He gives me a sad half-smile, though it's much more genuine than any I've seen tonight.

I look over at my window.

"You're paying for that, by the way," I say, chuckling a bit at the glass all over the floor.

His smile widens, and he looks at me sheepishly. "Fair enough." He pauses. "Thank you, Kairi. I just... sometimes the memories get so... So intense. And so dark... And... just, thank you."

"You're welcome. I love you, Riku, and Sora too, with all my heart." I say, looking up at him.

He softens, and smiles gently back. "I know. We... I love you, too."

"Okay, enough of this!" I say, standing excitedly. "Go back to Sora!" I pump my fist in the air for emphasis.

"I will. I'm gonna go to the island first though."

I nod, knowingly. Riku needs time to think about how he's going to explain all this. "Alright. Be safe."

And with a small nod, he's out the door and I'm walking back upstairs to get into my cozy bed.

After giving advice to one half of the two homosexual couples on the island, I'm a bit exhausted. All I need now is for Sora and Tidus to come around.

I giggle a little as I settle back into bed, listening to the breeze through my broken window.

Life will always straighten itself out.

ooo

As wonderful as Kairi is, I just don't know if she's _right _about this. As I row out to the island, some of the clarity I gained in her room fades, and I have to force myself to remember that regardless of what happens, I am going to have Sora in my life. And I have to remember that he'll always be my friend.

I'm just so confused. Things were never supposed to work out this way, you know? He wasn't supposed to love me back.

Am I wrong? What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm being pulled apart by two people... This dark person that knows I'm destined to be and live as I always have, _alone_ - and this person that understands that Sora and I are meant to complete each other.

I'm just so afraid.

I'm so afraid of losing him.

What if it doesn't work? What if everything is fine, but then it all falls apart - what then?

I'd break if I ever lost him.

I'd die before I hurt him.

I just need to relax. I'll just sit by the Paupu tree, and relax.

ooo

I _have_ to stop crying. Just get up, get it together, go find Riku, and _stop crying._

_It just feels so familiar_.

I know he's safe, and that he's not going to do anything stupid. I just hate looking for him knowing he doesn't want to be found. It's just way too familiar, and it's scary as shit.

Because I know that when he doesn't want to be found, it generally means he's really unhappy, and than he won't _be_ found.

I'm getting up, but I'm still crying. I'm getting dressed, but tears are still rolling down my face, and my chest still aches when I think of him. Tear drops hit my shoes as I tie them. I'm still wiping my eyes as I walk out the door, not knowing where I'm going, but just trying to find him.

All over again.

I just had to get out of that room and make myself look for him. I mean, come on Sora! It's not like he can go to another _world_ or something! He's here, and I'll see him. And I'm going to make him realize he doesn't ever have to run from me ever. Because... Because I'm his best friend, and I would never leave him alone. And I will make him see that he loves me too.

He has to! Or else he wouldn't have kissed me, right?

He thought I was sleeping. Just to steal a kiss?

You don't just_ do _that to people. I _know_ he loves me too.

I just don't understand why he ran from me. I kissed him back. He at least has some sort of weird idea about how I feel. He _has_ too! Even _I'm_ not oblivious enough to think he doesn't at least like me after that!

Maybe Kairi could help me? Maybe he's been talking to her too...

So I head in the direction of her house, still thinking about everything, and at least in the night air my tears have disappeared. Suddenly I shiver, and I remember that Riku ran out in his boxers like a total idiot.

I smile sadly, just a little. Because somewhere, Riku is looking stupid outside in the middle of the night in his underwear.

When I get to Kairi's I pick up a rock to toss at her window, and throw it. But it never makes a noise. Neither does the second or third rock I throw. What the hell? I don't understand!

One more try.

"OW! Not again!"

Huh? What in the hell...?

"Kairi?"

"Sora? Is that you?" She appears in her window, "You just hit me with a rock!"

I look at her weirdly. "What happened to your window?"

"Riku happened," She says, looking tired. "Don't ask, but go out to the island. You guys need to talk."

And just like that I'm waving bye and running as fast as I can toward the beach where my boat is.

His is gone too.

I'm rowing faster than I ever have before (even when Riku and I were racing), and when I get there I see that his boat tied to the dock, but there's no sign of him.

The Paupu island!

My feet are flying, thorugh the sand, up the stairs, through the door, across the bridge... And there, leaning against the tree, my _Riku. _

_"Riku!"_ I call, and he turns slightly, not quite meeting my eyes.

But when he does, my breath catches.

"... Hey."

I walk up beside him, and we just look at each other. A moment passes, and I take his hand.

"Riku, let's go home?"

He seems to understand I mean my house, and my heart is thudding canon shots in my head, and I'm so relieved I can't see straight.

He nods. "Yeah," He says gently, tiredly. "Let's go."

He's trembling.

A/N: Okay, this is kinda rushed, but here it is. I have family shit to do tonight, which will be well fun, let me tell you. More convo in next chapter, this baby isn't done yet!

Much love.

**Update: 4/23/08 - Just did some editing. Added in a few things to make it flow better, etc. Blah blah. Enjoy!**


	10. Chapter 8: Part 2: Stubborn

I don't think I'm even thinking as we make our way back to Sora's. In fact, I'm actually just completely zoned out, my heart racing as I anticipate what's going to happen.

The anxiety is absolutely overwhelming, which is stupid, because I never have been an anxious person. But I guess when your future with your best friend is about to be decided, a person can get just a _little_ antsy. Especially when you're in love with you best friend, you've just molested them in their sleep, they actually _responded,_and you have no idea what's going on anymore.

That, and you know this can't possibly go anywhere positive, because you're _sure_ that you can't really be the one that's right for him.

One thing is for sure; I'm glad Kairi let me borrow her blanket.

I really do feel bad about her window.

He's rowing quietly, and I just listen to him breathe, hoping that what I'm going to do won't make it so that this is the last time I hear him breathing in the quiet. I sneak a glance at him, and he's focussed, concentrating on his task... and I can't help but wonder what he's thinking.

Damn. My mind is going in a hundred directions at once, and I can't decide what to do. Should I be selfish and let myself have him?

Should I tell him I can't see him?

I'm so scattered I can't even think out conclusions. My thoughts aren't even really thoughts anymore... Just broken words and images of panic.

ooo

Riku's eyes still won't meet mine as we row back to the main island, but right now I don't even care about his expressions or opinions or any other thing that he could possibly do because he's _here_ and whether he wants me or not I'm gonna make him understand how much I _need_ him.

I don't think I really got it through my head until he ran out of my house in his boxers. When he left me again, I just felt like something had dropped out of me... And it kinda felt like being a heartless.

That stupid little jerk is my heart, and I'm gonna make sure he knows that no matter what, he's always gonna be with me... Whether it's the way I want him or just as my friend. I'm just not gonna let him run away.

I _have_ to make him see all that! I just don't know how I'm gonna do it yet.

Hmm.

I just can't even think clearly.

Maybe... Maybe it won't work.

No... That can't be it. Not after everything, after how everything has just fallen into place and it's so _perfect_ and he's such an _idiot_for not seeing that! I just want to smack him in the face sometimes...

Well, more like punch the crap out of him. _Why _is he so _stubborn?_

ooo

As we walk into Sora's I can feel my heart literally pounding in my chest, so hard it almost hurts. We aren't holding hands anymore, which is good, because mine are almost wet with sweat.

Which, by the way, is really gross.

Up the stairs, past the game room, into the room at the end of the hall - Sora's.

He seats himself on his bed, and before the tension can be broken any other way, I decide that now is the time to apologize.

"I'm sorry I molested you in your sleep."

Well, that didn't really come out _quite_the way I intended, but there's nothing I can really do about it now.

I chance a look at him from where I'm standing in the corner, and I can make out a faint blush on his cheeks.

"It... It's okay. I liked it. I... thought you might have figured that out."

It's my turn to blush as the memory of his lips pushing back against mine plays out in my head. I can feel his eyes on me, and I know he's itching to say something.

"Riku," He starts, gently, "Why did you run away from me?" His voice is soft, but full of hurt, and I can't really stand that I'm the cause of that. See? Only bad things come from me.

"Sora..."

"Please, just tell me _why._ That's all I want to know, Riku." He interrupts, his voice breaking slightly.

Before I know it I'm immediately at his side, and he's leaning on me, clutching my arm. I have to let him stay for a moment, and I run my hand through his hair, just once, trying to comfort him.

"Sora, I knew. Kairi told me you might feel the same way about me as I feel about you." He stills, and releases me, looking up at me from where we sit. "I knew about you being gay, everything, before you told me. But I didn't believe it was me you cared for until tonight."

God I hope I know what I'm saying.

"You... you did?" He asks tentatively. "Well if you knew, then why did you-"

"Hey," I shush him, "I'm getting to that, alright? Sora... I kissed you because it was the only thing I'll ever allow myself."

"What do you-"

"Sora. Just listen, okay?" I say, and he nods, turning to face me, his eyes staring intently at me. I still can't meet them.

"Sora, I don't deserve you. Not after everything I did... I know it sounds crazy, but you're too innocent for me. God, sometimes I can still feel myself slipping into it, feel the sick, slimy darkness coiling around me... I can _smell_ that scent, the scent of death and blood and loneliness, and _fuck_but sometimes I can't pull out of it.

"I can't make you happy, Sora. I don't deserve to be loved. I mean don't you even _remember_? How I doubted you, how I betrayed you for practically nothing?" Now I am looking at him, but he's turned away from me, and his expression seems angry. Sora, angry? Look at what I've done now.

I breath in deeply, letting out my greatest fear. "And... I don't know what I'm still capable of. I don't... I don't care what Kairi says, you shouldn't love me! No one should!"

My fists are clenched and shaking, and I'm terrified of myself.

"This isn't _about Kairi!" _He shouts, turning on me suddenly. "It's about _you_ and _me._"

"But I'll only hurt you!" I shout back, feeling tears prickle at the edges of my eyes. "I still feel it around me, Sora! Were you even listening?! I'll get it on you, inside you, and it will _hurt_ you. My light is too slight to hold back all my dark, Sora. It consumes _me_ sometimes, it _will _get to you."

"You are SO STUPID!" He shouts, truly angry with me as he stands up, pacing the room. "Can't you see it? That's _why_ it's perfect! I'm that part of you that can hold it back, Riku! Don't_you _remember, how we defeated Xemnas _together_? I couldn't have done it alone, and neither could you! We _need_each other, Riku." He's calmed down, looking really tired, and I can feel myself beginning to cry silently. I don't even know why I'm crying. Shit. I never cry. I _never_cry.

"We've... we've always been together, Riku," He continues, "and I just want to be with you now." He steps closer to me, kneeling down just far enough away so that he's not touching me. "Why won't you let me be with you? Why won't you let me make you happy? I'm meant to, Riku." He's crying now, but I know he can't tell that I am too. "We're meant for each other, stupid. I'm meant to make you happy, and I know you're the _only one I want_ to make me happy."

"Sora... I can't make you happy."

"I don't care whether or not you think you can!" He sobs, sitting up on his knees and grabbing my legs. "I _know _you can! You just... you just don't _want to._"

He breaks, collapsing against me, and my heart constricts in my chest to the point where it hurts so badly I can't breathe. I guess that's what it feels like when your heart is breaking.

I'm down on my knees now, pulling him to me, and he crawls forward desperately, pulling himself into my lap and wrapping his arms around my neck tightly. He cries against my shoulder, and I just hold him, letting him calm down. I can't think of anything to say...

"I want," He starts, after calming down, his voice muffled against my chest, "I want to make you happy."

I look away from him, unable to respond, unable to do _anything_except just be, because I don't know what to do.

"Sora... I can't..."

"Shut up." He whispers, then says more definitively, "Shut up." He grabs my face, forcing me to look at him. "I'm going to be selfish this time," He says, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I want you, Riku. I want _you_, any and every way I can have you. I want all of you, every part, even the bad ones. And I want it totally. So _please,__** please**_ stop being an idiot and let me _**have**_ you."

He's searching my eyes, and I'm in danger, because I know I want the exact same thing from him and for him, and he knows it now because my eyes could never lie. But I try one last time.

"Sora, I _can't_ make you happy!"

He shakes his head at me firmly, because he knows he's won, he knows what I want and am denying myself.

"You know what I'm going to say. Just shut up for _once_, quit listening to your _idiot brain, _and listen to me. Or if you won't listen," He licks his lips nervously, and I know what's coming, and my heart has stopped, and the tears are still rolling down my face in a silent stream and _oh god he's going to kiss me... _"Let me _prove _it to you."

ooo

Oh god oh god oh god oh god... I'm doing this. I have to do this. I have to make sure he knows he has to be mine.

I can feel myself leaning forward, and I can feel him there, and he's so _warm, _and I want him _so badly_, and then, a breath away...

And I'm kissing him.

I'm clumsy and I don't know how to kiss, but I'm putting everything I have into this. I'm moving slowly against his still lips, at first, but then everything changes and I'm desperate for him to at _least_ respond, do _something!_ I know you love me, Riku, so kiss me back, dammit!

I press myself against him fully, turning in his lap so I'm straddling his waist, pull back for just a moment, then _crush_ my lips against his, feeling him gasp, and I take the chance to push my tongue into his mouth and let him feel me, let him _see_ how perfect this is and how I can't live without it.

But he's just sitting there, and he won't _do _anything! Can't he _see?_ I know he wants it too!

My hands find their way to his hair, one rubbing gentle circles at the little place where his shoulders meet the back of his head, the other one holding on for dear life as I just keep kissing him, _hoping_ that he will just do _something!__**Anything!**_

And just like that, I feel him break, and suddenly I'm on my back, and his mouth is attacking mine, his tongue fighting mine back, and he's holding my arms above my head like he's about to tickle me only instead we're doing _this..._And _god_ is he an amazing kisser.

He pulls back, and we're both panting, and I know I'm hard, which probably isn't the best thing right now, but that was _incredibly_ hot and he's so _beautiful_and I love him _so much..._

I look up at him through half-lidded eyes, and realize that his face is wet with tears, and more are streaming from his eyes. I'd reach up to wipe them away but he still has my arms pinned, and he's panting, eyes darting all over my face, and he's so _beautiful_.

"_Ri_-ku..."

"Sora... god... do you really...?" He asks, tentative.

"_YES!_ Do you believe me now?" I say, leaning up to kiss his lips. I pull back, wiggling my arms out from under him (he immediately releases me), wrapping myself around him because I'm never letting him go (and he sure as _shit_ isn't running away this time). "I," I kiss his neck, "Want," and again. "You." And this time it's a small lick that makes him shiver above me.

His eyes are closed when I look at him, which only scares me a little, because I know he's not gonna leave me again.

I'd like to see him _try_to run away with another boy clinging to him like a barnacle. Heh.

When he opens his eyes, though, I know I'm in trouble. In an entirely good way.

He takes a deep breath, and I can _hear_ the splash as he dives into me.

"You don't know what you're asking for."

And I'm thinking to myself _finally._

I wrap my legs around him, pulling his hips into mine and letting him feel just how badly I want him to do and keep doing everything he _is doing_ to me.

It's almost embarrassing how hard I am, but at this point, I don't think I really care that much.

I'm smiling, I'm ecstatic, and I'm_really, really horny._

And his hands are everywhere, running under my shirt and over my belly, going gently over my nipples that are hard and aching for him to do something with, though what I don't have any idea, because hey, I dunno how guys have sex!

Are we gonna have sex?

How does that work?

Eh, cross that bridge when we get there.

His fingers run along the edge of my pants as he rolls to his side, sitting up and taking off his shirt.

"Hey!" I protest, then feel embarrassed about just shouting out like that. He looks at me funny. "Well... I kinda wanted to do that part." I say, feeling myself blush madly.

He laughs at me a little. "What, you want to undress me?"

I nod, feeling fire on my face. Funny how you can go from making out hard core and humping your best friend to being embarrassed about wanting to take his shirt off.

He smirks, and I can feel my Riku coming back to me, some of his darkness being erased as he lets his stupid self relax and enjoy life.

And letting me do my job; making him happy.

"Well then," he says, "I guess I'll be your _doll._ But only if you'll return the favor." I think he's being a little sarcastic, but only kinda.

Hey, whatever gets his clothes off!

And then I'm on him, rubbing him, touching him in all the places he touched me, kissing him everywhere I can reach (and getting a _moan_ out of him at his nipples).

I just _knew_ I'd get him in the end.

A/N: Fear not! This is not the end of the smex, but when it's too long for one chapter so the cliffhanger is evil! Except that it's done now so click on to the next chapter!

Much love!


	11. Touch

A/N: I decided I don't care. I have all my stories on my computer, and oh well if I lose reviews, I just want to read what people think and they won't review unless I post it here. So there we are. Also, we all know that it is horseshit that smut shouldn't be posted. So screw the email stuff and here's the story!

**Do not read if boy/boy sex offends you, because it will be present here. I don't know why you were reading in the first place if you don't like BL, but whatever. Here we go.**

**-- **

There is an island, on which there is a street, on which there is a quaint, two story house. In this house, on the second floor, two boys are doing things their mothers probably wouldn't agree with them doing, if only because they are both somewhat overprotective.

Tongues, lips, teeth, skin... Touch, kiss, scratch. Just _feel._

_It feels good._

Sora pulls one of his legs down from around Riku's hip as he sits up, mouth still pressed wetly against his best friend's. His hands run, scratching lightly across the pale boy's back.

A moan, and then a breathy _Sora_ whispered into the brunette's ear gives him greater confidence, and as Riku's hands slide up from the tops of Sora's thighs (_god but he was so __**close **__to where he wanted him_) toward his torso, pulling off his shirt, Sora can't think too well anymore.

Because the last time they were shirtless together was different. Last time it was as friends, swimming together, maybe just laying in the sun.

But now flat, hard chest is pressed against flat, hard chest, the skin soft and the friction _delicious_ as Riku pulls the smaller boy into his lap, running his tongue and lips from shoulder to neck, feeling the delighted reaction as the brunette's nipples tighten and plead with Riku for _more, more, more._

And the silver-haired boy is smirking, capturing Sora's lips once again and rolling him on his back. The kiss on the mouth is moving down, to Sora's chin, neck, chest,_ everywhere. _The brunette is panting, arching into every kiss that moves down his body, every lick that sears the nerves of his skin. And he is achingly hard, _god _is he hard.

That tongue has found his belly button, and Sora doesn't know whether to giggle (though he totally doesn't giggle, because that wouldn't be manly), or to groan in frustration. He opts for the latter, and his belly button is immediately attacked with an onslaught of thrusting, swirling licks, _in and out_.

Riku watches Sora melt bellow him, his eyes glowing devious in the dark room as they meet Sora's half-lidded gaze. He lets his mouth meet the sparse, gentle brown hairs that lead to the button of Sora's pants.

The belt unlatches, under shaking yet nimble hands, but is left there, and Sora watches as Riku stops, crawling up and over the body of the boy beneath him, dipping low at the end so their chests meet just as their mouths do.

"Sora... You have no idea..."

The brunette smiles gently, rolling his hips up into the boy above him.

"I do, Riku," He says, nipping gently at Riku's ear, hoping it's as sensitive as his own, "_You_ have no idea."

At this it's almost as if something in Riku freezes, and he looks incredulously down at his best friend.

"Sora, didn't you only _just _figure out you were gay?"

Sapphire blue eyes look at Riku in a way that suggests he believes the other to be an idiot. "What's your point, Riku?"

Riku grunts at Sora, the warm breath messing up sex-mussed hair, "Well I've been gay and in love with your idiot self for _years._ So the point here is, obviously, that _you_ have no idea."

Sora looks dumbfounded, but then just smiles up at his entirely-too-serious best friend.

"Riku, do you seriously _always _have to win?"

Sora's smile widens as Riku laughs.

"Yes, Sora. Yes, I do."

Words? What words? They're lost as mouths become preoccupied with open-mouthed kisses, licks, nips, bites, sensation.

As Riku descends again on Sora, his hands nervously find their way to the unlatched belt resting on the brunette's pants. The belt buckle in hand, he pulls it through the loops as Sora raises his hips.

And _god_ look at him. Tan skin, skinny hips, lean build... the trail of hairs leading to something far more dangerous outlined through the thin fabric of pants. Riku can't believe his luck.

The silver-haired boy's mouth is back at Sora's ear, breathing gently into it, nipping the lobe, absorbing the mewls of the younger boy like the pure sex they represent; but a question lingers.

"Sora... Is it okay?"

To make his point, his hand ghosts across the brunette's straining erection, only for a moment as his hand returns to the snap at his pants.

_Fuck_.

A gasping, sputtered _"Yes!"_ is heard, and a pale hand hesitates for only a second more before the button is gone, and the zip is down.

Riku's eyes never leave Sora's face as he traces the tip through the barrier of Sora's boxers. The eyes, half-closed, staring straight into his; the mouth, lightly open and panting; the lips looking violated and swollen; and a lust flavored blush splayed across Sora's cheeks, all only make Riku that much more eager.

"Sora..." He whispers again, watching that face intently as his hand only gently encases the still cloth-covered shaft. "Sora... I'm going to make you come for me."

And that is where Sora's mind shuts down, and he is lost in the pleasure _his Riku_ is about to give him.

Lips are pushed together again, hot, hard, and nearly graceless. Sora pushes roughly against his best friend's mouth, lost in the heat between their bodies, the feeling of Riku above him, sweating lightly as the intensity of their kiss increases exponentially.

And then Sora's mouth is left alone, Riku sitting back on his knees and looking at the brunette laid out on the floor before him.

Sora sat on the floor, shirtless, sitting up on his elbows, pants half down, erection straining against a pair of boxers covered in rubber duckies (and he made fun of Riku's puppies?), legs apart and waiting for Riku to come back to him.

Riku smirks at him slyly, pulling off Sora's shoes and yanking his pants down the remainder of the way. His eyes stay on Sora's, even as he runs his hands under the boxers up to the soft skin where thighs meet hips, brushing his thumbs over the beginnings of the slightly more rough hairs.

"Fuck... _Ri-_ku..."

Riku can't help but grin devilishly at the sound of his name from Sora, the _real_ sound of his name from the _real_ Sora -- not just a dream or a fantasy, but _reality._

The silver-haired boy's tongue finds itself busy teasing gently through boxers, sucking lightly on the tip of the other boy's erection. His hands gently massage near the base of his dick, giving a little but waiting for a plea.

"What do you want, Sora?"

And Sora was not above saying please.

"God, Riku... God, I want you _on_ me. Just _don't stop._" He pants, hands clenching uselessly at the carpet every time Riku's mouth sucks him gently through his boxers. This is _excruciating,_ it's fucking _torture,_ and it feels _so fucking good_.

And now the other boy is slipping the boxers off, and one of the brunette's hand finds itself in the silver hair of his best fr- no, _lover_, the other supporting him as he watches intently.

Riku kneels comfortably between Sora's legs, looking at the pulsing erection in his hand, hoping beyond hope that this is going to feel as good for Sora as it should.

After all, he doesn't really know what he's doing. It's really just lucky that he has a penis too and thus knows what to do with it.

And with a deep breath and another confident smirk, Riku's mouth is hot and wet around Sora, and it's sucking gently, moving only slightly.

"Nguh... _Riku..._God... _**more**_..."

With those few words, Riku understands, and he's taken all of Sora in his mouth, and he's coming up, down, in, out. He stops to breathe, his hand taking over the job as he rolls the tip in his mouth before releasing it with a soft 'pop.'

Sora's hips are thrusting into Riku's palm, and Riku allows himself to watch Sora in the throes of lust, all for _him_ and _no one else_, before his mouth is coming back down around his best friend, his _lover_, and for Sora it's all wet hot tongues, mouth, lips, sucking, _god, please, god..._

_"Riku! I... I'm... I don't..."_

And Riku's mouth moves faster, sucks just a little harder before releasing to place his lips on Sora's, his hand pumping long, hard, fast strokes along Sora's shaft.

_Fuck god please I want it give it to me it's almost there so close so close fuckFuckRikuRiku RI-KU..._

The older boy pulls away as Sora's mouth becomes immobile, a choked moan escaping, and Riku watches greedily as Sora comes into his palm. He strokes him a few more times, panting and enjoying watching Sora convulse in the stimulation of his post-orgasmic sensitivity.

The brunette looks at the other boy from the place where he's sprawled out on the floor, panting and sated, and grabs the other boy to pull him in for a kiss.

This kiss is less passion, less _need_, but no less intense. This is the kiss that tells more than the story of sex; the story of two people who have fallen in love, and are making that love a verb.

"Riku... that was..." Sora smiles sheepishly, realizing for the first time what just happened. "That was amazing."

Riku can only chuckle at Sora, not even worried about himself for the moment (okay, so he's hard as steel and needs _something_, but Sora is more important, always).

"Course it was good. I'm good at everything I do." Riku looks down at his beautiful Sora, noticing not for the first time that his hand is still covered in goo. He discreetly wipes it off on Sora's boxers as Sora's eyes close for only a moment.

While Riku ruins Sora's poor ducky boxers and then lays down next to Sora, the brunette is lazily and excitedly running over in his head what just happened.

And then he smiles, because he realizes the fun isn't quite over yet.

But then there is still the question of... well... How do two _guys_ have sex?

"Hey, Riku?"

"Hm?"

Sora suddenly feels really nervous. _How stupid! I mean he did just have my thing in his mouth... _

"Um... well... what about you?"

Riku raises an eyebrow and turns his head to look at Sora. The brunette blushes as dark as a tomato, rolls to his side, and rests his hand on Riku's hard shaft.

And, Sora has to admit, seeing Riku close his eyes and breathe in deeply, shivering, feels almost as good as having Riku's mouth on him. _Almost._

"Sora..." Riku's hand comes to rest on Sora's, "You don't have to-"

"But Ri-ku," Sora interrupts, giving his friend a squeeze followed by a stroke. He relished in the the way Riku moaned at the contact. "I want... More. I want to know how..." Sora swallows, shoving down his nervousness, "How guys... Um... y'know..."

At that Riku removes Sora's hand and sits up, bringing Sora with him. "Hey, let's sit on the bed. The floor kinda hurts my back." But Sora knows Riku heard him, because the silver-haired boy's face is completely red.

As they sit down, Riku's blush fades a bit, and Sora grabs a blanket for himself because he's naked and it's cold.

Riku sighs deeply. "I have an idea about how we do it... But... I mean, it sounds kinda gross."

Sora thinks about that for a moment. "Well, when you think about it, you having my penis in your mouth is kinda gross, but it felt really good. So this would probably feel good too. So how does it work?"

Riku is taken aback at just how innocently blunt Sora can be, and just goes ahead and says it.

"I'm pretty sure it means one guy takes his... penis, and puts it in the other guy's ass."

There's a silence for a bit.

"You're right, that is kinda gross. And it sounds like it hurts. Plus, we go to the bathroom from there!" Sora says, making a face.

Riku gives Sora a look. "We pee from the other thing too, remember? _Geeze,_ you need to at least _notice_ these things, Sora."

"Shut up, Riku. Anyway, that's not the point!" Sora says, flustered.

Sora isn't quite sure how to tell Riku that he wants to do everything they can do. Because he still wants to prove to Riku that he needs him.

He's... not really sure how to ask Riku to have sex with him.

At Sora's silence, Riku lays down on the bed and stretches out, waiting for Sora to continue.

But instead he gets lips pressed against his own, at first gently, chastely, a kiss that's just saying _I love you_. But soon the kiss is demanding more, and lips are moving more quickly, tongues demanding entrance, and Riku's hands are on Sora's back, pulling him against him as Sora tosses the blanket to the side. He straddles Riku, bracing his hands on Riku's shoulders, and pulls back.

"I want it."

Riku blinks.

"Come again?"

This time Sora smirks. "Exactly."

"Huh?"

_And they call __**me**__ oblivious?_

"Riku, I want it. I want to have sex with you." He says, decisively, eyes once again full of lust.

Riku could feel the evidence of Sora's rapidly increasing desire against his belly.

"Sora, are you sure about this?" He asks, feeling slightly unsure. He doesn't want to hurt Sora, and it _did_ sound painful. And they could wait, couldn't they? Really, they'd only just started kissing and shit _that night. _"I mean, we can wait..."

But Sora shakes his head. "Remember when I said I wanted you? Well I meant everything I said. I want you any way I can have you. And I want you to have sex with me."

And before he knows it, Sora is on his back again.

"You always are just _asking for it, _Sora." Riku growls into the brunettes ear, feeling the other tremble beneath him. "You want it? I'll give it to you. I'm yours, but just remember that you _asked for it._"

But there isn't any protest from the brunette boy as he is once again attacked by his lover, Riku's mouth and hands anywhere and everywhere. Somewhere along the line Riku's boxers disappeared, and then Riku's lips were at Sora's ears again, his hand stroking Sora's hard shaft again.

But then the hand is gone, and the tongue and lips are still nibbling on an ear as Riku shifts and-

_Oh_

Riku moves his hips back and forth, shivering and enjoying the tantalizing friction as their erections rub together. Sora opens his legs, looking down at the point where Riku's pelvis met his own, and felt his body over heat again at the sight of them pressed together, so intimately, _right there_ -- and he didn't want it to _stop._

Their hips roll together gently in unison, before Riku forces himself to stop and look at Sora. They are both covered in a light sheen of sweat, and the light reflects beautifully off Sora's features.

"Sora... do you have any... lotion or anything?"

The brunette takes a second to process the question, his brain clouded in a haze of Riku, before answering. "Yeah, bedside drawer. Why?"

Riku nods and retrieves it. "I'm gonna try to get you ready. And not hurt you."

Sora suddenly understands that he's the one who's about to have a penis in his butt. Oh well. He nods in acknowledgment at his best friend, and tries to mentally prepare.

But all mental preparation is lost as Riku's tongue and mouth find Sora's neck and ears again, and then he's wrapped himself around Riku and is losing himself in sensation.

Until he feels the first finger enter.

"Whoa!"

Riku immediately freezes. "You okay?" He asks, his eyes full of worry.

Sora thinks for a minute. "Yeah. It doesn't hurt... it just feels... really weird. Just... keep going."

"Are you sure?" Riku asks, really not wanting to hurt Sora the first night he has him to himself.

Sora sighs, irritated. "Yes, I'm sure, Riku! Just kiss me some more."

Riku's eyes search Sora's for reassurance, before he sees the determination their and allows a small smirk to grace his features.

"Gladly."

Riku's mouth set about distracting Sora again, working his way up to two fingers wriggling inside Sora when suddenly Sora convulsed and gasped in an entirely pleasant sounding way.

"What just happened?" Riku asked, looking down at Sora, confused.

"I dunno. Just do that again. Wiggle your fingers."

_Oh god oh god that feels amazing_

Riku watched as Sora gave another sexy shudder.

"Riku, there's something there. And it feels really, really good." Sora pants, trembling with pleasure.

Riku thinks for a moment. "I guess that's why guys have sex like this," he smirks.

And their mouths are pressed together again, wetly sliding against each other as Riku's fingers pull out. His hand encircles Sora's dick, stroking it a few times, loving the feel of it in his palm.

His other hand is getting himself ready, and as soon as he is well-covered, his mouth meets Sora's again and he's pushing himself inside.

The brunette inhales sharply, closing his eyes against the painful invasion.

"Sora... Am I hurting you?" Riku asks, almost frightened with concern. Blue eyes open and meet worried aquamarine. "Shit, I knew it. Here, we can stop, I'm so sorry Sora I-"

"Riku." Sora breathes, halting the other boy from pulling out, trying to adjust to the feeling of having Riku inside of him, "Stop acting like a girl. I'm not gonna break, and I already told you I want to have sex, now will you please just do what I asked?"

Riku was indignant.

"Fine, Sora. I _will_ fuck you, right now."

_Slam_.

_**Ah! Mmm...**_

And then there were thrusts, Sora being rocked back into his bed as one of Riku's hands found and interlaced with his, the other holding and rolling Sora's hips into his own. In, out, friction, _god he's so tight_. Don't stop, please, just don't stop.

And Riku is moaning into Sora's ear, and Sora has never heard anything like the way Riku moans his name "_Sora, Sora, Sora," _and it's fucking beautiful, and _god_ Riku is inside of him, moving, thrust, thrust, thrust, and he can feel the hair from Riku's legs brush against his own as Riku fucks him.

The silver hair is sticking to Riku's face and back as he starts to sweat, feeling a pooling heat coiling tightly in his belly. Sora is below him, moaning, panting, wanting, clinging to him, _loving him_, more than anything he's ever wanted, and there are scratches on his back, from _Sora's_ nails, and Sora is stroking himself and god god god he's _so tight_ and fucksoraSORA-

Sora feels Riku pull completely out just as he strokes himself to his second orgasm, and feels Riku spill out onto his tummy right as the older boy collapses onto him.

Sora wraps his arms around Riku, holding him there tightly, finally feeling safe and knowing that Riku won't leave him again because he's had him every what he can have him. And Riku is curling himself into Sora, knowing that _finally_ Sora is his, and he's made Sora happy, and he really needs nothing else.

As they lay and breathe, Sora suddenly starts to laugh.

Riku doesn't even move as he asks him, "What's so funny?"

"Riku, if we sleep like this, we'll wake up stuck together!"

The older boy gets up tiredly and notices the sticky mess between them.

"Gross. I'm gonna go get your ducky boxers."

Sora immediately stops giggling.

"But those are my favorite!"

"Well, I already wiped some of the stuff on them earlier... Remember when I did you on the floor?"

"Riku! You owe me a new pair."

Riku just smiles as he cleans them both up.

"_You're_ the one that wanted it so bad."

"... Shut up."

And, clean, the two boys are once again laying entwined, the older more than ready to pass out for the night.

Well, morning, seeing as the sun has started to rise.

"Hey, Riku?"

The older boy tiredly responds. "Hm?"

"I love you."

Riku thinks to himself that it would be bad if he squeezed Sora until he popped, because then he would have no more Sora.

"I love you too. Idiot. Let's get some sleep."

"Jerk."

"Hm."

But one boy is curled around the other, and fingers are interlaced.

And two boys are smiling.

Because all is _finally_ well.

--

A/N: AHHH. My first yaoi sex scene. Jesus. This was a monster to write, and was really rather difficult. Why is it so long? Shit. I hope it isn't bad. I'm a bit nervsy about it, so please be gentle.

Love love!

**Update: 4-13-08 **Guh. Talk about loaded with errors. I fixed up what I saw, but again, there is no guarantee that I caught everything. Edited a few more things as well, for my sake and yours. -blush- I still can't believe I wrote this.


	12. Epilogue

Blue. The sea and sky, their blues are so different, yet they seem to meet in a beautiful way just across the horizon.

So here I am, once again sitting on the island, looking out and just admiring the view. But you know, something's a little different now.

Two weeks ago I stood here, semi-moping like an angst ridden twelve year old because I thought I'd never get the one person I've been in love with for the past few years.

_Sora._

And now he's leaning against me as we sit in front of the Paupu tree, and I'm holding him gently in my arms.

But I'm thinking, as I squeeze him softly, that things are gonna be okay.

"Hey, Riku?"

I glance down at him, feeling happy and completely relaxed.

"Hm?"

"Do you think Tidus still checks you out?"

Huh? News to me.

"Since when has Tidus checked me out?" I ask, just wondering where the hell this question came from and _how the hell does Sora's mind work? _ Seriously, we were just sitting quietly snuggling (what a girly word), and then out of nowhere... Tidus?

Sora sighs, "Well, actually I started checking you out when I noticed he did..." He's blushing cutely. "A few months ago."

"Oh." I say, looking at the part of his face I can see, just admiring him. "Well I haven't noticed. Besides, even if he did, I'd say I'm a little preoccupied at the moment."

Sora smiles brightly at me. "I know. I was just wondering."

"Sora, sometimes I can't help but wonder just how your brain works."

We sit for a long time more, just watching the sun set.

"Hey, Riku?"

"Hm?"

"I'm glad you decided to quit being an idiot and be with me."

I think for a minute, just happy.

Because I make him happy.

Funny how I keep ending up being wrong about things.

"Yeah. Me too."

----------------

And on the other side of the island, a red head an a blonde hold hands, facing the twilight.

"Hey, Wakka?"

"What's up?"

"Thanks for finally understanding. I... I'm sorry I tried to tell you the way I did."

After all, just trying to suddenly kiss your best friend sometimes doesn't work in your favor.

"It's okay, ya? I prolly shouldn'ta flipped out like I did." He stops and squeezes his friend's hand reassuringly. "But maybe we can try this out. Just, you know, go a little slow."

Tidus smiles.

"I can live with that."

And he thinks to himself, '_Finally.'_

---------------

A/N: Just a short epilogue. I'm sorry I'm such a sap, and a sucker for happy endings, but there you go. A little sad to see this story finished, but, you know. Maybe something else will come along soon. -insert smiley face-

Much love to you all! And happy new year!

Oh... shameless self-plug... but check out my New Year's fic, Mimosa.


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